what people are saying, part three

last weekend i took pictures of the l.a. marathon--it was rainy, but of course that didn't stop anyone...

***

so in my last post i began to talk about how my blog friend jim wrote to me that it might be easier to either stay in los angeles, or leave it, if i had a partner to share the ups and downs of decision making with, among other things. this is not the first time it has been suggested to me that life might be easier if had someone to "share" it with. and believe me, i know that these comments come from a place of caring, and they have caused me to give a lot of thought to the reason that i seem to like being alone.

every so often, i see couples as part of my internship. as you can imagine, by the time they come into the counseling center for therapy, the "sheen" has usually worn off of their relationship, in a manner of speaking. in other words, i get to see what happens to couples who turn on each other, or who are about to. much like what happened in the excellent film from this year, "blue valentine", with ryan gosling and michelle williams. and as you can further imagine, the exercise of seeing love tarnish in front of me has a certain, uh, effect on me from time to time.
for a while, in fact, i decided that i did not want to see any couples, because i did not want to be negatively affected by what they were going through. (for some reason, i am not similarly vulnerable to what my individual clients are sharing with me.) mind you, it was also during a time when i was having some "difficulty" negotiating my own dating experiences. but i think i see things somewhat differently now--thanks to some time passing and the information i have gleaned from a few well written books on the topic of relationship. (these are not of the "self-help" variety, which i generally scorn; rather they are based on psychological theory and brain research--the real nuts and bolts, instead of "feel good" machinations by authors trying to sell quick fix books.) the nutshell: relationship is about "attachment", and when things go wrong in a bad way, it is often because the attachment bond is ruptured, or at the very least badly damaged, and the potential for repair depends on the state of trust, safety, and response-ability already existing between the two partners. super distilled nutshell: if you don't build a strong base, the slightest wind will blow your house down.

when i read jim's posts, i get the strong sense that his relationship with his husband is built on a very strong base--there is an ease in the descriptions that actually make me smile when i think about how they must support, comfort, and provide companionship for each other. i don't think i am making this up--jim has a way of talking about his husband ron that clearly demonstrates respect, care, and enjoyment. i even feel that when he talks about his dog sophie! i suspect that this is because jim is a respectful, caring and nice man, and i hope to meet him someday. but beyond that, i marvel at the opportunity to read about a relationship that appears to work, easily. (granted, they probably have their "stuff", but who doesn't? it is not the stuff that knocks us down, but how we deal with it.)

anyway, before i go on about jim to the point where he gets concerned and stops following my blog, i will explain that the reason i use his relationship as an example is to let you know that for me, when it comes to being with a partner, i have never had what i suspect jim has. don't cry for me, blogentina, because i have had some decent relationships, but i have never felt safe in any of them. never. so...when it comes to feeling safe in the world, i have found that i have gotten really good at doing that for myself.therefore, in a strange way, the idea of a relationship, to me, is not all that comforting.

sometimes i wish it were.

two runners, apparently supporting each other

but we all have to play with the hand we are dealt, to a greater or lesser degree. i have come a far distance from where i was, relationally, five, ten, twenty years ago, and i will travel further still. but right now, where i am right now, is still pretty close to where i have been all my life, which is being able to take really good care of myself and my needs.

so as much as i value jim's comments, i also recognize that they are coming from his point of view, and that this does not exactly match mine. (but keep 'em coming, jim!) for me, decisions are not more easily made with someone--i can do that myself. it's not so bad, really. and i am open to having that change a bit.

a slick hollywood walk of fame on marathon sunday

and until that changes, i suspect that i will continue to attract, and be attracted to, similarly self-caring individuals who, on one hand, connect very easily and willingly, and on the other, only go so far with that. at least that is how it goes for me here in los angeles.

a rather lonely, but beautiful walk

what people are saying, part two

today the city hosted the los angeles marathon, and it is always quite an event. but then any event where you actually block major streets for hours and keep l.a. drivers from using them is a major event here. l.a. drivers go nuts when things like this happen, and i have to say that i get a guilty pleasure out of it all and just chuckle to myself as i whizz by on my bicycle, unaffected by road closures.

this year, it has been raining like the dickens all day long, so the spectator crowds were thinner, but as far as i know, runners like rain even better than they like sun, so i guess all was well. i rode my bike up to hollywood blvd to have a look and take some pictures, and yes, i got a bit wet; but as you know from a previous post, not only do i not mind that, it is pretty much the point of doing it!
runners, running, on hollywood blvd.

in my last post i talked a bit about what some "experts" have said about things related to the way i experience los angeles. but i also want to give air time to what some of my readers have said in their comments, because i find that it is a) astonishing that i have readers, and; b) very valuable, helpful, and appreciated feedback for me. it has contributed to a deepening in the way i think about leaving here, all of which will stand in good stead at the time that i actually leave.

my new blogger friend ron commented on how he did quite a bit of research before deciding to move to delaware from pennsylvania, and yet he also mentions that it was important for him to trust his instincts. i bring this up because i feel that this approach is a collaboration of what we as humans do best--think and feel. i have even been talking with some clients about this approach--how do we know when to trust how we feel about something? how do we know when we have enough "information" on something to proceed?

this guy knows about rain like i do, i totally get the no shirt thing

since i have no answer to give my clients, i know that there is no answer for myself to this question. but that is okay--as an existentialist i am comfortable with a little anxiety in life--especially when changing things up. but nevertheless, since i am such a smarty pants, i will offer an answer to the question. we have enough information to proceed when our feeling about proceeding no longer conjures a level of anxiety high enough to keep us from proceeding. in other words, i will know that it is time to leave when i find myself gone(emotionally).

the street was full of runners, here in front of the famous pantages theateron a side trip to the hlwd farmer's market, i noticed it was pretty empty...no line for papusa today!

one comment that has been particularly thought-raising for me is the one made by my very first reader, jim, who lives in nova scotia with his husband of many years. jim writes a wonderful blog, and i love reading it, in fact, this very post is inspired by his posting style (words and pictures)! anyway, he comments a lot about how my experience of living in los angeles, and even my experience of moving away, might be different were i to have a partner while doing these things. hmmm, a partner...


to be continued

what people are saying, part one

one of the main reasons i created this blog was to practice writing more often. but the other main reason is that i have an interest in others' experiences of living in the cities in which they live. as i may have mentioned before, if i am going to give up near perfect weather and a rent-free two bedroom apartment, i want to be a sure as i can about what i am giving it up for. fortunately, i am a man who knows a bit about how the brain works, so this is a crucial advantage in the process of decision making about the future. you see, what i happen to know is that we generally don't make great decisions about how we will experience something in the future. we just don't! it is not a flaw or a weakness, but rather a quirk in the evolutionary biology of the brain (one of many!). in the fantastically entertaining and informative book stumbling on happiness, by daniel gilbert, he writes: "research suggests that when people make predictions about their reactions to future events, they end to neglect the fact that their brains have performed the fillin-in trick as an integral part of the act of imagination."

what he means by this is that if, for example, i imagine how i would like living in the east bay, i will naturally pull from my experience as a tourist there, which as we all know is quite different than living in a place. my brain will "fill-in" details from what i have read and what i have experienced for an imaginary future experience so that i have something to reference. the problem is that the reference point then becomes inaccurate. now, we do this all the time! how many times have you anticipated something only to have the experience be something completely different that what you imagined?

to clarify further, gilbert writes:
"if you'd been given your choice of brains at the moment of conception, you probably wouldn't have chosen the tricky one. good thing no one asked you. without the filling-in trick you would have sketchy memories, an empty imagination, and a small black hole following you whereever you went."
"we see things that aren't really there and we remember things that didn't really happen, and while these may sound like symptoms of mercury poisoning, they are actually critical ingredients in the recipe for a seamlessly smooth and blessedly normal reality. but that smoothness and normality come at a price. even though we are aware in some vaguely academic sense that our brains are doing the filling-in trick, we can't help but expect the future to unfold with the details we imagine."

my goodness!! in a nutshell, we SUCK at predicting our future happiness. if you doubt me, just look at the divorce rate. therefore, you cannot possibly fault me for proceeding cautiously when it comes to thinking about giving up my rent-free two bedroom apartment in the land of perfect weather!

now...here is some info about los angeles that i think you should know, because i think it is VERY IMPORTANT! in Travel & Leisure magazine's survey on America's favorite cities, los angeles pretty much sits at the bottom. as the article's author christopher reynolds writes: "when it comes to public transportation, pedestrian-friendliness and friendliness generally, los angeles ranked dead last (italics mine) among 35 major u.s cities. the affordabilithy of los angeles and the intelligence of its residents were ranked 34th of 35. (!!) on the positive side, l.a. ranked no. 4 for shopping."

SHOPPING!!!! that is what los angeles is noted for!!!


so it is NOT just me. los angeles...sucks. kinda. sometimes. unless you like shopping.

to be continued...

changing perspectives, part two

it rained in los angeles a few weekends ago, and i was in it and all over it. it doesn't rain that often here, so when it does, it is something of a "happening". it presents a challenge to me, as a bikerider, but as they say in portland: "there is no bad weather, only bad clothing".

unless i have somewhere to go where i have to be presentable, i love riding in the rain. for those who live in this city, let me remind you of what rain feels like. it is cool and clean and when it hits your skin it is like the mildest electric spark. it is a wake up call to your skin, and i feel sad for those people who dodge it as if it were nuclear fallout.

on a bike, you get wet pretty quickly. and the thing is that once you are wet, you are wet! it is not as if you can get wetter once you are wet. so yesterday as i was riding home from the counseling center, i got caught in it. and i got wet. and it felt remarkable. at one point a bus spashed water on my and i didn't even get upset, because i was already wet and the additional water was cool and electric all at the same time. there was a feeling of just not caring if i got wet, because it was raining, and that is what happens when it rains.

i am writing about this because it does not rain here very much, and because i was able to notice how my thinking about the rain is so different than most of the people who live here--the ones who dash from shelter to shelter and see rain as an inconvenience.

changing perspectives, part one

last year when madonna was on david letterman's show, she was asked by the host if she thought she would ever fall in love again. the 52-year old icon paused, then answered, "oh, i don't know. i think maybe i have lost perspective". this was a brilliant moment of television for me, folks. it reminded me of the scene in "truth or dare" where sandra bernhard is asking her who she would like to meet in the world, and madonna responds, "i think i have already met everybody". well! if madonna is losing perspective, then we all better just hide in our caves! since her appearance on letterman, i have thought a lot about what she has said, and wondered exactly what it might mean for someone like her to lose perspective (on love). is it possible to have so many lovers in one's life that love, at some point, simply cries wolf at the door?

like madonna, i have had my fair share of lovers--and perhaps others' fair share as well, truth be told, and i consider myself very fortunate to be able to attract a variety of experiences to my life. believe it or not, it has become easier to do as i have gotten older, and nobody is more surprised at this than i. and yet, wouldn't ya know it, with ease of attraction comes the existential dilemma of diminishing returns in the Meaning department. simply put, once the mystery of acquisition is solved, a commodity often loses desirability--not a rule, but a theory--and soon to follow is the requisite loss of perspective. see, with enough patience the madonna story finally figured in nicely!

so my guess is that madonna finds herself at the beck and call of yet another gorgeous 21 year old south american model, let's say, and in the middle of the whole thing wonders to herself: is that all there is? or maybe this is just me i'm talking about, but not quite yet. and to be honest, i have no idea what madonna is thinking, so let's just bring it back to me.

the whole perspective thing is coming up because i am beginning to wonder if it is my perspective, rather than my experience, that is getting me into trouble here in los angeles. this wondering did not fall from the sky, i have in fact been reading a book that is leading me to look at how i look at things, or more correctly, how i think about things. the book is an old one, well, old in that it was written in 1980. it is called "feeling good", and the author is david d. burns, m.d. i decided to read it because there are a lot of my fellow counselors who have found it valuable when working with depressed clients. i am, in fact, beginning to use it with some of my clients, but for the sake of this blog, i can report that i have also been using it on myself. nutshell: the way we feel is a result of how we think about things--adjust the dominant thought and change the way you feel about something. (it's a nutshell, folks. read the book.) if i were to look at, say, the way i think about los angeles, could there be something in there that could be negatively affecting my experience here? survey says...YES!

this is basic cognitive therapy, some of which i have used in the past on both myself and with clients. so why does it seem so radical as i read it now? i think that it may be that i am applying the logic to how i think about this city and its people, and perhaps these are subjects that are challenging for me to tamper with. and yet, and yet, i feel rather urgently that i must indeed tamper! this is because i want to avoid, if at all possible, making a mistake about leaving los angeles. how would i know that i had made a mistake? simple--i would have exactly the same experience with people in another city that i do here. and unless everyone is the same everywhere (something i doubt, concerning friendliness and approachability), then it may be mostly my thinking about people that is leading the proposed exodus.

i have explored how i think about angelinos in previous blogs, but for this post's sake, let's review here:
-angelinos are all obsessed with only youth and money
-angelinos HATE bikers and think they are lower class and have no place on the road
-angelinos have complete disregard for anyone other than themselves and those they know and like
-angelinos suffer from excess entitlement
-angelinos are angry at me because i am gay and loud and beginning to suffer less in life
-angelinos carry around too much narcissism to ever really care about another person
okay, so that's the short list!

wonder if there might be a distortion or two in my thinking???

to be continued...

oh, i don't know

so...kind of revising my plan. not that it was even a plan, perhaps a plan in planning (can you still call that a plan?). at first, was thinking that once i get my mft license, i will begin to work here in los angeles and, while doing that, continue to investigate areas for possible movage. that was the plan in planning. but lately i have found that, at times, recently, it has become unbearable to be in los angeles. at times, i say. i am not sure if the city is changing towards me or if i am changing towards it, but it seems that just a couple of weeks ago it hit me that i cannot spend another ten years here. i would be nearly sixty years old at that point, and to tell you the truth, i am not so sure that i would be able to counteract the affect that ten more years would have on my personality/social skills.

perhaps it is also just that i am anxious to start the next chapter of my life--outside of los angeles. this is a good thing, as it indicates some excitement about what is next in my life. i will admit that when i think about moving, it is exciting! not the moving, of course, but the arrival! i have not moved in over ten years now, and while i don't wish to move anywhere else in this city, i do miss the "freshness" of a new place. that could just mean that i need to clean this apartment, which i will admit is probably true (everyone comments on how "clean" it is, but there is a difference between clean and neat, and i tend to keep the lights down real low), but freshness extends to new neighborhoods and new neighbors, exploring the nearby stores and gyms and coffee shops, you get the idea. i remember how fun it would be to decide what store would be my new grocery store, and where i would mail my letters (when i used to write letters), and whether or not the chinese place on the corner would become my new take out favorite place, which is ridiculous, because i NEVER get chinese take out, but you get the drift!

for me the issue is quality of life. i truly feel that i could have a better quality of life in a smaller, greener, more academic city. this is not just wishful thinking, mind you, but an opinion based on how i am here in los angeles and how i am elsewhere. sometimes i make an effort to adjust the way i am in this city--with mixed results. for example, on halloween weekend it was beautiful on sunday. it had rained a bit a couple of days before, but on sunday it was bright and warm, and i decided that i would go to the ol' farmers market across from my job before starting work at 330 that afternoon. i felt that i wanted to see what was going on for the holiday, and also check out the kids in costumes and the general holiday feel that might be happening. i took my camera with me.

the market was brimming with folks, and everyone seemed to be having a good time. there were lots of families, of course, and lots of kids running around like crazy in costumes that ranged from superheroes to princesses to the more abstract bee or banana. adults are not very creative when it comes to children's costumes, but i have a hunch that if left to their own devices, children would come up with some killer costumes! this is because adults, when unbridled, come up with some killer costumes for themselves, and i suspect that they come up with them from the same place that kids would--the imagination. not so sure that batman comes from the imagination, but hey, who's judging here. anyway, i wanted so badly to take some pictures of the kids running around, but i felt, well, weird about doing so. i thought that i might be looked at as some kind of weirdo, collecting pictures of little children. i realized that the best thing for me to do would be to simply ask the parents if i could take a picture of their kids, but even this scared me. if this is hard for you to understand, believe me, it is hard for me to understand as well, but that is part of the defensive posture that has protected me in this city. stay away from people. it is quite difficult for me to approach total strangers and start an interaction, and i would like to be in a place where this is not so difficult for me. a smaller, greener, more academic place, if you will.

so i had to snap some pics of kids incognito, because i could not help myself--they were so cute! if anyone noticed, nobody said anything. i was not tackled and handcuffed, and i didn't make any children cry.


i enjoyed watching them play on the hay bales. of course, this being los angeles, the whole setup was fake, but kids don't care. but i did find a way into my comfort zone a bit later, when a family with like four dogs came walking down the main street. the little doggies were all dressed up in costumes, and i am proud to report to you that i went up and asked the family if i could take pictures of their doggies. i figured that this would not be looked at as strange behavior. they accommodated me quite nicely, stopping and corralling their dogs together for me. i felt quite good about this.


in a way, this was a little triumph for me, just being able to ask people to take pictures of their doggies. i guess that i am always afraid of being noticed--in a bad way. most of the time i can get around this city feeling fairly invisible, but every once in a while i open my mouth and there always seems to be someone nearby who disapproves of what i have to say. the best way for me to explain to you why it is hard for me to approach people in los angeles for anything is because i don't feel welcome here. i don't have a family, i don't have doggies, i am an older single man with an education and a bit of a grudge. and i really really want to find a place where i feel welcome.

***

a couple of weekends before halloween i participated in the city's very first CycLAvia event. i was very excited about this event because it was modeled on similar events that have been occurring in the country of columbia for years now--basically the city closes down a long stretch of street right in the middle of the city, and without making an agenda, they open it up for the residents to do whatever they want in the now empty streets. from what i have read, that can be anything from soccer games to bands playing to bike riding to bbqs. so los angeles decided to host one of our own, closing off a seven and a half mile length of street from hollywood past downtown into boyle heights. the weather was glorious and hot, and i had the morning off, so i took my bike and sunscreen and rode down to where the route began. this was off of melrose, where the bicycle kitchen community is, which is more of less a gathering of bicycling businesses for the bicycling dudes and gals. there were lots of folks there--riding around, walking around, milling around, and i loved the vibe.


i was very anxious to see what was happening along the route, so after a little while i began to ride southeast along the street, along with many other riders. in fact, the route began to resemble a "ride", in that the main activity was riding.

as fun as the riding was, i must say that i was disappointed that there was not more of a variety of activities taking place on the street. the residents along the route were out on their porches or steps more often than not, but many of them were passively watching the riders, or in worst cases, just looking confused. i am not sure they knew what was going on, or what they were allowed to do. i did come across a few small bands and a dodge ball game, which were fun to watch.


but all along the entire seven and a half miles down the route and back, i only met and spoke with one other person. one. he came up to me and said hello as i was taking a photo break. his name was jose. we chatted for a minute and then i rode on, crossing over the bridge into boyle heights.

although i had a bike and definitely fit in with the crowd, i was not feeling like i was one of them. the crowd was too big and too unknown. in a way, i was trying very hard to feel liked i belonged there, knowing all the while that i didn't feel that way at all. it is just too damn hard for me, and i don't ask for either understanding or pity from you, the readers. rather, i am just telling my story. i had a great time nonetheless, but it was a great time by myself in a big, big crowd. the promise of community, for me, was not realized.

when i got back to the start, i met my best friend dave there and we hung out for a while before i had to head over to work. it was fun seeing dave. but he was the only person i knew. twenty years in this city, and he was the only person i knew.

maybe it is not so bad, knowing one person, especially when it is a great friend like dave. maybe that is enough, to have just one like this. maybe.

oh, i don't know.

imaginings

Every time I fly out of Los Angeles I imagine to myself that I am leaving it for the last time. I always get window seats on planes, not so much for the purpose of looking at aerial scenery, but more importantly so that I do not have to be disturbed by fellow passengers crossing over me to use the restroom. The thing is that I like setting myself up in my seat and organizing, inside the seat pocket in front of me, all the things I will need during the flight. The way I see it, this little seat is my rather expensive temporary home in the air, and when someone crosses over me it gives me the same feeling as if someone were trudging through my home on the ground in noisy muddy boots while I try to enjoy an episode of True Blood in my loungie pants. I just really dislike being disrupted once I have set in, and since my bladder is fairly functional in its load capacity, I can sit for stretches at a time at a window seat and not have to pee.

Anyway, I wonder at the similarity between my imagination of leaving Los Angeles and the inevitable actual experience of it. I imagine that the actual experience would involve a certain quality of melancholy and adventure that are missing in the imaginative version, but the thing about imagination is that it is often as accurate as it is inaccurate. In reality, it is not so important whether or not my actual experience matches my imaginings, because in this case, at least, the imaginings are an end in themselves.

I enjoy imagining leaving Los Angeles. As I look out of an airplane from the small porthole window, I imagine that I am looking down at my whole life in the city—all 20 years of it. In a way, I would not be surprised if I were to see myself on the streets below, as I pass over and above them, acting out the various chapters of my Angelino life. Look! There I am on the stage of the El Capitan Theater in Hollywood, playing Bert from "Mary Poppins", dancing and lip-syncing to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. There I am working at the Starbucks Coffee downtown in the Arco Plaza, laying cardboard dinosaur feet on the floor in homage to the opening of Godzilla. Oh! There I am riding my bike down Jefferson Blvd. on my way to Antioch University, where I am completing my Masters degree.

In these imaginings, I will marvel not at how much younger I was, but instead at how much I have done in Los Angeles in the past 20 years. Part of the reason I have done so much is because I am single and childless. (So often, those with children list one accomplishment—raising a family, primarily because this is an all-consuming activity. They cannot always list “marriage”, since we all know that having a child these days rarely requires marriage; additionally, getting married these days rarely ends up on one’s list of successful accomplishments.) Another part of the reason I have done so much is that I am curious; and yet another part of the reason is that I subscribe to the science that proves (yes, I said proves) that this is our only shot—you get just one ride on this Merry-Go-Round.

Now, though it is somewhat difficult as well as entirely silly for me to get excited about “new beginnings” at this age and at this stage of my life, I am sure that this is exactly what I will be feeling as my jet plane glides off the runway at LAX and into the air on its way to __________. I have not moved from one major city to another since 1991, and it was quite a big deal for me back then—therefore I have no doubt that it will be a big deal when it happens again. But there will be a huge difference, among many differences that I could name. Mainly, there is the difference of what I will be moving to. Back in 1991 I was moving into my future, and what would arguably be my prime productive years. I moved here to develop my performing career, and, to a lesser extent, to jumpstart my life. I was 29 years old. It felt as if everything significant was in front of me: success, love, fame, happiness(?). In comparison, my next move will most likely occur as I approach my 60th birthday, which I can safely say will be two thirds of the way through my life; and though some would say that I will still be moving into my future, I am not sure that I would call this is an accurate description. I don’t know what I would call it, to tell you the truth, but I know that this is not it. Maybe…moving into my Third Act? My Comfortable Decline? My Final Adventure? None of those sound right (or particularly appealing) to me either. I guess that is why this blog is a 10 year project—I have not yet figured out what I am planning on moving into.

***

My most recent opportunity to gaze out of an airplane porthole at a receding Los Angeles, was a trip to Connecticut for the wedding of one of my closest friends. This was a short trip, just four days, and I knew that the most difficult part of the trip would be the urge to detour into Manhattan—just a hop skip from La Guardia Airport. I have not been into the city in maybe five years, and although I have not ever lived there, it nevertheless calls out to me like a siren whenever I am within hop skipping distance. I did in fact once want to live in New York, but that was many years ago, when I was still nursing a dream of a theater career. I nearly had a chance to go there, too, with one show I helped originate in Los Angeles, but the producers ultimately decided to go with New York performers. Phooey on them! I often wonder how different my life would be if I had ended up there with the show—if I would have continued performing, or eventually gone back to school just like I did here. It is fun to ruminate about, without feeling any regrets or misgivings. There are always a million other choices we could have made at nearly any point in our lives, all of them leading to potentially life altering results.

Anyway, I had a wonderful time, in glorious weather, participating in and attending my friend’s wedding. Connecticut is quite beautiful, but then so is the whole Northeast—green, green, green, and missing for the most part that brand of ugly stucco strip mall architecture that dominates the corners of nearly every Southern California city street. The homes are generally old, but well kept, with wood slat sidings and large porches, and the business buildings are often made of brick—quaint and lovely. But Connecticut is awfully “white”, with the women wearing hairbands over their bleached blond hair, and the men, even in their 20’s, pasty, overweight, and encased in topsiders and polo shirts. Not too exciting for a queer man who is used to being around lots of color and creativity, you know what I mean?

So although I once wanted to live on the East Coast, I would no longer do so, and although I love the beauty of Connecticut, I also would not want to live there. But it is worth a visit in order to attend the wedding of a dear friend, and it is worth a visit for the opportunity to look out an airplane porthole window and once again imagine that I am leaving Los Angeles, for the last time.

the list

there really ought to be at least ONE list in every blog page's posts. it is such a staple in blog writing that it should probably be a requirement in order to even have a blog page. for instance, let's say that the law of the list would be that every blogger has to start their blog with a list as the first post. it wouldn't be too hard to do--the list could simply be: "reasons why i am starting a blog".

i have not included a list in this blog as of yet. dunno why. i just started writing, i think, without needing to enumerate why i was writing. i think i am pretty clear about why i am writing in the profile page--what use do i or my readers have for a list? and yet here i find myself, writing a post entitled "the list". and yet, even with that, it is as clear to me as it must be to you that i am not writing a list at this moment.

bear with me.

the thing about lists is, as list go, they are pretty boring. a list is nothing unless sprouted from a particular context. without that, a list is just a collection of items, names, places, or tasks. boring. to me, the true function of a list is not to stand alone, offering information without meaning. rather, i see lists as a sort of an index table for ideas--and as we all know, ideas are often quite unstructured. but then a list comes along and *poof*--we get it! thank you, list! therefore, the connection could be made that a list must start with a collection of ideas--about something--and this something is what ties them all together in a list! fun! i will chance the wrath of literary purists here to state that a list of unrelated ideas is not really a list, unless, of course, it is a list of unrelated ideas! double fun!

so what are the ideas behind the list that i have been threatening to start at any time now? well, they are ideas of what i want to find in my eventual new home. i think i waited this long to write this list because i had to make sure that the list of things i want to find is not the simple opposite of the things i want to leave behind. i think i have cleared this hurdle by realizing that some of the things i want to find are in fact things that i have right here in los angeles already--i just hope to find them in my new hometown as well.

now i am well aware that a list, though beneficial in an organizational sense, can also be a hazard to any actualization of the listed ideas, and this is because lists, by their very nature, are limiting; as soon as a list if finished, the writer has declared a finite number of themes, items, or ideas deemed worthy of inclusion, and by association, also declared an even greater number of themes, etc. to not be worthy of inclusion. and yet, we continue to write lists. i wish i knew of a better way, but so far i do not. sometimes, as human animals (i prefer the term to human beings--it reminds me of what we all are), we have a tendency to look up our own asses in order to see outside of ourselves. like i said, please bear with me.

so...with all that, let me now introduce you to the first item on my list--My List of Things I Would Like To Find in my New Home.

1. people who know how to respond in a timely manner to a voicemail, text, email, or evite.
i often wonder if this simple skill is becoming obsolete. i have noticed that, at least here in los angeles, there is a converse relationship to the amount of time that people are online or with their phones, and the amount of time it takes them to respond to a message. perhaps this is a symptom of youth, since it appears to me that the "rules" of communication are changing at a rapid pace.

this leads me to a closely related #2, so i will waste no time in adding this idea to my budding list:
2. people who are willing and able to make a make plans and commit to them more than one hour, or one day ahead of time.
my friend dave is able to do this, and that is just one of the reasons he is my best friend. but too often, with others, i run into the following conversation:
me: "do you want to go to the movies this weekend?"
them: "sure, check with me this weekend."
me: "but i'm checking with you now. do you want to go to the movies or not?"
them: "sure i do, but why don't you txt me first on saturday."
me: "why? do you have other plans already?"
them: "no."
me: "and you want to go to the movies with me?"
them: "sure."
me: "great! then let's do it. wanna meet around 7?"
them: "check with me on saturday".

3. people who know how to spell, and who know the difference between "there", "they're", and "their".
in other words, have a fucking high school diploma, and let it show that you actually paid attention. i know that i don't usually capitalize, but at least i know HOW to capitalize, and when i am doing formal writing, you better know that i damn well capitalize. but spelling is a big one for me, because it is indicative of one's reading ability, and one's reading ability is usually indicative of one's intelligence, willingness to learn, and critical thinking skills.

4. a city where the universities have more power and influence on the culture than the churches.
i am not interested in being surrounded by mystical thinkers who shun carnal pleasures as a way to lessen the fear of death. death is coming for all of us, folks, like it or not, and so you might as well live as fully as possible, and that includes lots of carnal pleasure. i prefer to live in an academic setting, where ideas dominate conversations, rather than fear. plus, it would be fun to teach someday!

5. people know where to applaud in a live theater or concert performance, and where not too.
los angeles audiences love tricks. i have noticed in recent years that in a dance performance, "tricks" are applauded. you might ask why shouldn't they? well, because the reality is that the entire performance is difficult, not just the tricks! would like to enjoy a piece as a whole without worrying about whether the performer is being validated for being able to execute a back-flip. additionally, sophisticated audiences should know when a pause in a musical performance is a pause, or the end of the number. there is a clear difference to anyone who is paying attention.

i recently treated myself to a concert by rufus wainwright, a favorite artist of mine. the show was divided into two sections--the first being the entirety of his amazing new album, "songs for lulu", and the second being a random selection of his other songs. he made the request that during the first half of the show, there be NO applause--that the songs were presented in a "song cycle", and that they should be listened to as if they were one long piece, including his exit from the stage. i honored this request, since it was his idea of how the audience receive the work, but of course, there were a few attention grabbers who just couldn't contain their appreciation and lapsed into shouts and applause. thankfully, they were shushed! but for me, the best way to show my appreciation was by respecting rufus' request.

6. people relate more to each other in the world than to their electronic devices.
i may be wishing on a star with this one, but a guy can dream, can't he?

7. a place where the coffee tastes like coffee and the drinks taste like alcohol.
i am really, truly, just over the trend to flavor everything up so much. do we really need that much sugar? the thing is, when beverages are sweeter, we drink more or them, so there is a good argument for leaving the sugar out! remember, moderate caffeine and alcohol consumption is actually good for you! as much as los angeles pretends to be a grown up city, its beverages are for kids.

8. a city where the prevalent color is not "stucco".

9. access to the best meat and produce available.
this is a given in california, which is one of the reasons i may stay here, in california, that is. having grown up in southern cali, i sometimes take it for granted that i live only miles from the richest produce growing area in the country.

10. a home that is walking distance to most of what i do.
even though i am close to most everything i do now, i do not go out that often due to the distance to bars or clubs that i would like to visit. the idea of riding my bike in chilly weather in weekend night traffic generally deters me from going out at all. i would love to be able to wrap up and walk to my favorite places without concern. in other words, i want to live in a neighborhood.

well there you have it--my list! i stretched it out to ten items, but i could easily reduce it to my top three, or expand it to twenty. at least i have a list. now my blog page is officially on its way. of course, i do not expect to find the "perfect city" where all of my desires are fulfilled, but in order to get what you want, you gotta know what you want...

it's funny...

thought i would take a break from writing about the downside of where i live, just for a moment. because the truth is that if i really hated los angeles, i would not be here. so i hope that you are not getting that impression. i don't hate los angeles. i am just not in sync with it so much anymore. but what better time to write a bit about what i love about this city, especially because these are the things that i would hope to also find in the city that i eventually move to.

it's funny...when i think about it. the reason that i came to this city has very little to do with why i am still here. i lived my young adult life in san diego, which at the time felt very cosmopolitan, but in retrospect was really just like making cookies in an easybake oven--so not the real deal. san diego bills itself as "america's finest city", and that would be just great, if it were a real city. but it's not. it is, instead, a support structure for the beach and the navy, and not much more. it is shockingly beautiful, but it is also without meaning, if that can be said without malice. if anything, san diego's problem is that it refuses to be what it is--a coastal navy town. it is trying to be san francisco, and even los angeles knows better than to try to be san francisco.

i read a while back that they had built a bunch of high rise condos in downtown san diego that were not selling--so much so in fact that in one building there was only one male resident, who, knowing that he was alone in the building, took to taking out his trash in the nude. he gained notoriety as the "naked trash guy", or something of that order. the reason for the vacancies was that the units were not appealing to the people who might be looking to buy: young san diegans with children. in other words, they were building for well off hipster singles, another city's populace (san francisco?). that is how it has always been in san diego. trying to be something that it is not.

nevertheless, i loved living there during my 20's, before all the high rises. i lived in north park, hillcrest, and mission heights. i worked as a bartender in the largest gay nightclub in town, and at one point in time could have been considered a "local personality", since my work as a performer and show producer was getting some press. i felt like a grown up, even if i wasn't. i had my own apartments and jobs and cars and all that, but what i didn't have was a sense of myself off the stage or out from behind a bar. outside of those contexts i was, in essence, like all those new empty high rises downtown--an impressive shell with nothing inside. i know that i could not live in san diego again. well, i could, but i won't. it is not home anymore. it is still pretty, but it is not much more. i have, uh, outgrown it.

the decision to move up to los angeles was based on the idea that this is where i needed to be if i were to become a success in the entertainment industry. i was interested in playing in the big leagues, and i wanted to be a star. unlike san diego, los angeles is, for arguments sake, a real city. it is one of the handful of real cities in the world, along with new york, san francisco, chicago, hong kong, paris, london, berlin, sydney, buenos aires, and rome. that is pretty much the list, folks. there are other cities, of course, but great cities are more or less limited to this list. so what makes a great city great? specifically, what makes los angeles great?

most obviously, the same thing that makes los angeles great is the very thing that will eventually drive me out of the city--the entertainment industry. this is where movies are made, well, here and toronto, but you know what i mean. i went to a movie couple weeks ago at the mann chinese theater, and while i was waiting for my buddy to get there, i marveled at the sheer number of people taking in the famed hand and foot prints that cover the front courtyard of this landmark movie palace. people from all over the world. hollywood has been impacting culture in the world for nearly 100 years, and that impact continues to grow stronger. for decades now the most creative people in the country have come to los angeles to create, and that can be seen as a good thing. there are still people who come here to create. (of course, creativity brings along its own certain insanity, of which i have written about in other posts.) inside the chinese theater, the walls are red and gold, and chinese sculptures adorn the ceiling and lobby. it is glamorous and massive, and when the dolby sound announces itself, the seats literally rock. and this is not the only theater that has this impact. there are some amazing movie theaters in los angeles, some old, and some new. if you are going to see a movie the way it is supposed to be seen, this theater is the kind of theater in which to do it. you might even have kim novak showing up for a special hitchcock tribute, as is happening this month at the egyptian theater. kim fucking novak!.


but as well as los angeles is known for its theater interiors, it is equally highly regarded for its exteriors. there are the miles and miles of beaches--every kind of beach you could ask for. my personal favorite is venice beach--the venice beach that was known for creating "muscle beach", and home of the golds gym where arnold and franco used to build their bodies.


venice beach was created to be an homage to venice, italy, and thus the canals. i have often dreamed of living in one of the bungalows along the canals, hearing the ducks quack and checking the mooring on my rowboat. there used to be a vagabond artist community that lived among the canals. not so much anymore--mostly upscale boomers, industry types, and gays now, but amidst the costly refurbishing you can still see an occasional vintage bungalow, peeling paint and slanted porch and all. and you just know that the owner, if they still live there, could tell you stories of the old days of hippies and surf life and really really good pot.

there is santa monica pier, and the classic roller coaster in the middle of it, and the summer music concerts where all the really fun people listen on the beach below for free(instead of on the pier itself), drinking wine from trader joes and gradually, as the evening progresses, becoming more friendly with the folks around their blanket, if you know what i mean. there are the rings and bars south of the pier where you can see beautifully athletic men and women swing like monkeys from ring to ring, or martial artists practice their craft with each other, or gymnasts young and old perform flips and handstands.



fifteen walking minutes from my apartment there is the hollywood forever cemetery, home of the famously deceased--including rudolph valentino--where, for ten bucks on summer saturday nights, you can take a picnic dinner and dine among the tombs as a classic film shows on the mausoleum wall. next week they are showing all about eve.


a little further north, on cahuenga before hollywood blvd., there is the spotlight bar, which has been serving 'em up for forty years, and which continues to hold sway despite the reimagining of the cahuenga corridor. gerry, the bartender, makes sure you know his name right off the bat, and he finds out yours too, and he will introduce you to whoever is on either side of you before getting your beer, so that you really have no excuse to not talk to anyone. most of the patrons here are gay, and absolutely nuts to boot, but it sure never leads to a dull night. every person in there is a story, and when i go there, i feel like i have one to tell as well.


there is runyon canyon, the site of old screen star tom mix's former estate. i have taken free yoga there on the lawn with about 40 other hollywood folk, while on the outskirts of the lawn i hear people and dogs moving up and down the trails, sometimes mixing well, other times not so much so. there is something to be said for being able to hold tree pose on a sloped lawn while three feet away a gopher pokes its head out of a hole in the ground. now that is a yoga practice!


yeah, it's funny alright. in many ways, i barely even know this city. there are more restaurants within a 1 mile radius of my apartment that i have NOT eaten at than i have eaten at. los angeles is a city that is new every day, just because it is so damn big. here, you can also be new every day, just because you can get so damn lost. here, you can forget your past or make up a new one, you can imagine an unimaginable future or lose your future completely, you can love just yourself and never lose your heart, or you can have your heart broken loving another and become rich as a result. here, you can experience magic in a low budget 99 seat theater, or experience boredom watching a $100 million movie. here, you can have your bedroom windows open to the breeze in the middle of january, and get the best produce in the world all year round. here, you can pay for someone to brew you a cup of coffee, paint your toes, rub your shoulders, clean your house, walk your dog, return your calls, buy your clothes, groceries, or drugs, here you can pay for love or sex or something in between. here, you can create a website for yourself that is just about you and nobody will laugh. here, you can have breakfast at the beach, lunch in the mountains, and dinner in the desert, all in the same day. here, you can find a $200 pair of jeans for $15 at a second hand shop. here, you can ride a bicycle all year round.

and yet, with all of this, i don't love it anymore. but...i don't hate it.

it's funny...

the thing about aging

i should probably add a "part one" designator to this post, since there is a lot about aging that i need to write about. let's see how it goes first, though, in the body of this post, before i start messing with the title and making promises of sequels to come.

now you may wonder what could be so bad about the prospect of aging in los angeles. and if you are one of those people who are wondering about this, i will probably assume that either a) you do not live in los angeles; or b) you are young. granted, it could also be that, like me, you are aging in los angeles, but, unlike me, you are loving it; but then it would be best that you confine that experience to your own blogs, or to the comments section of this one. because, readers, this post is about how aging in los angeles sucks, so you might as well strap in for the ride.

***

the other day i went to a dermatologist to have my skin looked at for sun damage. as a kid of the 70's (back when a tan was considered healthy and farrah fawcett was the image of bronzed health), i have had my share of exposure to the sun. i have probably had more than my share, since in southern california in the 70's one would often spend considerable time acquiring that healthy "golden glow". those of us with darker skin are not immune from the long term effects of the sun, either. i remember how, in his later years, my father had problems with cancerous lesions on his face that had to be removed, and he was full blooded mexican, so i want to make sure that there is nothing pre-cancerous on my face.

anyway, in the paperwork i had to fill out before the exam, there were not only the usual questions about my health history and the reasons why i was there, but i also was questioned on whether or not i thought i looked younger, older, or exactly my age, and if i was okay with any wrinkles i might have on my face. uh, okay. in a nutshell, i answered "younger", and "yes", respectively. now, let me clarify that i do in fact look younger than my age, and there are several reasons why that might be, but i think it is primarily because i have taken really great care of my health for many years, and it seems to be paying off. but i also have wrinkles, folks. i have them on my forehead, and i have them under my eyes. but i am 47 years old!my face is the face of a (healthy) 47 year old! so...i think that i only look younger than my age because most people my age look olderthan their age--i am what 47 should look like!


but looking healthy is not enough in los angeles. you can't have wrinkles!

really. i mean, really.(where is katherine hepburn when we need her?) wrinkles signify age, and that is becoming more and more of a negative in this town, even for men. for all the talk of how 40 is the new 20, there is an equal amount of talk about how you begin to lose cultural significance as you get older.

the only way that you can be important and visible in los angeles as an older person is if you are either famous or rich. being both helps tremendously. otherwise, you are pretty much out of the picture. i dare you to challenge me on this. now it doesn't help that there are so many older people here who are completely off their rockers...i mean, bat-shit crazy. and when i see these people, i can't help but wonder if they turned crazy as they got older, or if they were that way when they were young. in other words, does los angeles make you crazy if you stay here long enough?

take the old people who come into whole foods, for instance. there is betty, who is known for throwing her poop all over the women's bathroom, when she does not crap her pants; and there is that guy with the bad toupee who always wears the usa olympic windbreaker and pretty much samples his way through the store, buying nothing, then gets angry when you question how many samples he is taking from the hotbar; then there is the african american dude who told me once that salt was a poison because it is used to clean car radiators(?), and then wanted to know why we use it in so many of our recipes, and that what did i know because i didn't do 100 push ups a day like he did (what???), and when i told him "okay, sir", and turned away, he called me a fucking faggot white boy (what??????); and then there is the woman known as "grandma", who won't allow a black person to serve her pizza, and...must i go on??

i wish it weren't this way. it would be nice if the older people who shopped there were nice, and aware, and wise, and interesting, and engaged (like i hope to be). i would even take two out of five. but maybe, just maybe, that is not possible in los angeles. maybe, if you stay here long enough to become invisible, you just go nuts. i don't know. i don't know.

***

i remember how, many many years ago, my sister and her family were visiting at our house in san diego from where they lived in northern california. as their summer visit came to an end, and they were preparing to drive north to their home, one of their young daughters became nearly hysterical at the thought of driving through los angeles during the daytime. she was convinced that they would never get through. i remember her crying and full of fear, saying "we can'tgo through los angeles, we just won't make it!" her fear was so real and tragic. my sister did her best to comfort and reassure her, and of course, they did drive through los angeles that day, and they did make it through all the way back to placerville, but that image has stayed with me for all these years, for some reason. there was something very terrifying about los angeles to my young niece, much as there is to me today.

it wasn't always this way. i used to like los angeles more. when i first got here nearly 20 years ago, it was a goal of mine to conquer this city (i'm gonna own this town!). it was difficult for sure, as it always is getting used to a new city, but i felt that this is where i wanted to be, as a performer, and that in no short time i would find my place here. and people were different back then as well. this was before the internet, before cell phones, before all the gadgets that now serve so effectively as shields against relating to others in real life. but i slowly began to notice something about this city as i lived and worked here over time and had an opportunity to live in several different areas within the city limits. what i noticed is that living in los angeles is like having all your greatest fears move into your neighborhood, and then finding out that they all make more money than you do. what i noticed is that despite the increased connection that our phones and the internet offer us 24/7, people seem lonelier than ever. what i noticed is that the more that young folks have gained financial and cultural power, the angrier they have become. what i noticed is that i began to stop loving los angeles.

but the biggest red flag for me has been noticing how all the above have affected my own interpersonal relationships--in many ways, i have responded positively, and in many ways, i have not. without boring you with the particulars, i will say that when i draw a straight line from who i am today to who i will probably end up being if i stay in los angeles, i don't like what i foresee. in other words, as i get older, this city works against my developmental quirks. in other words, i don't want to end up going nuts.