Wednesday, May 5, 2010

becoming regular

i have the feeling that nobody comes to los angeles because they think they are "regular". i know that i didn't. i came here (in 1991) to be a fucking star. i might have been too, if i had known the business better. i believe i had the talent, and that is just an honest assessment. i certainly spent enough years and money in san diego taking classes in dance, voice, and acting. if i didn't learn something, then i had no right to call myself a performer.

anyway, the point is that i did not think i was regular. nobody in l.a. does, i suspect. it is certainly interesting to me that nearly 20 years later, regular is exactly what i am trying to an extent. i think that maybe i am trying to be regular in the same way that stars are when they show photos of them in In Touch magazine with captions like "they get their own coffee", or "they feed the parking meters". in other words, i am not regular, i am just trying to be. i am too smart to ever be regular. i can say that and not be conceited because my intelligence is something i was born with--not my accomplishment at all. what i have done with it is my accomplishment, but we are not talking about that here. i was just born smart--lucky me. meaning that, since most of the world is, uh, not smart, i have very little chance of fitting in with those regular folks.

so what the hell do i mean by "trying to be regular"? well, what i mean is that i am tired of feeling like i am special. believe me, not regular and special often go together, and that is where the problems usually lie. because if you think that you are special just because you are not regular, then you are guilty of arrogance. and yet the twist is that because i was not regular from a young age, i was then treated like i was special. follow?

the problem is that special does not work very well in the adult world, mostly because nobody gives a shit. but the reason why special really does not work in the adult world is because in reality, nobody is special. it is just a state of mind. we are all, in fact, regular, but with different talents and abilities. this is what i mean when i say i want to become regular.

god, where am i going with this post.

i am looking for a place where i can just feel regular, as in not special. i want this experience because as time goes by, i have been getting closer to regular, and i like it. fuck, i love it. regular is messy, but it is engaged. regular is unpredictable, but it is surprising. regular is uncontrolled, but it is electrifying. in other words, regular is alive. on the other hand, special is isolating. just like los angeles. here, since everyone wants to be special, there is the mixed message going on that we want to be adored but not approached. is that just here? ugh. please, please approach me.

where can i be regular? where, as knucklecrack writes in his blog (i would link if i knew how!), can gay men be regular? i don't think it is here in los angeles, though god knows i try.

i was recently in the miami/ft. lauderdale area for vacation, and i was able to be pretty regular there, but i was also somewhat invisible because i didn't have money or boobs, two things that attract attention, at least in miami. ft. lauderdale seemed different to me, easier to be regular. the guys were regular, you know?

i met a couple of guys while i was in ft. lauderdale, and the nicest things that they said to me was that they would want to date me if i lived there. that was just the nicest thing to say. i don't live there though, and i don't think i could live there. i am not a big fan of mosquitos, though they seem to be crazy about me. but the fact that these guys wanted to date me, well, that made me feel, kind of, well, regular. you know?


  1. In some crazy way I understand what you are talking about.....I think. The fact that I am gay automatically makes me 'not regular'. But also I have felt that I didn't 'fit' into my family......not just because I am gay but because I think differently than they do. Or maybe it is because I am gay. Gays are different.....the wiring is not the same as heteros.

    The competition to be 'not regular' in LA must be incredible. I can't imagine.

    We, my partner and I, in order to feel regular and part of society, decided a long time ago to get uninvolved with the gay community. We found it too 'unreal'. So we lived in and socialized with mostly straight people. We didn't hide anything from the people we met.....and for the most part it worked much better for us. We were part of a community where we could be ourselves (mostly) and not compete with anybody.

    I think that it is difficult to feel regular in the gay community. They do not like regular anything for the most part.......maybe it's changing, I hope it is.

    Sounds like you need to meet a normal, regular guy and go from there. Easy to say I guess. Anyway, good luck in your search for the 'best' place to live.

  2. jim, just re-read this post and your comment and don't know why i never responded to you. i love how you got that the gay "community" was not regular--it isn't. in my work and in my own life i find that most gay men are too busy deciding who they want to be or finding out how to be who they are not that there is little chance of regular happening. that is not a slight on gays, rather a comment on our culture--a culture that makes if easier for straight people to be regular. you found that out, as i have, working with straight guys at whole foods, and perhaps we are both better off for it. at the least, we are more regular...!