Sunday, March 21, 2010

the beginning of the end

when i wrote the title to this post, i thought, "oh good god, what a way to start a blog site". but despite the downward tone of the title, please do not be deceived. in this case, and perhaps only in this case, the "beginning of the end" is a good thing. what it means in this case is that i am at the start of a journey that will eventually take me OUT of los angeles for good, and into a place that is more wonderful and shiny-happy. that is the purpose of this blog.

i actually had another blog for a spell on myspace, and i am rather happy with the 50 of so posts that i made on there. but the nature of those posts was personal, and on this site i intend to steer away from the personal and veer toward the public, that is, a discussion/forum about the best living spaces for an educated single foodie queer who can't quite ever leave the city. i plan to post about cities i have visited and cities i intend to visit, and hope to encourage feedback from readers about these same cities.

some history: i have been in los angeles since '91, when i decided to leave san diego and give the big city a try. i came here because i was a performer: dancer, actor, singer, and i really did all of those things. i was 28 at the time, and full of big dreams of stardom, fame, fortune, and love. in a nutshell, i worked quite a bit, primarily in theater, and yet i could never play the network game that was required in order for me to get work in television and film, and so flash forward to my late 30's where i found myself wondering what i might be doing when i was 50. cue graduate school and a masters in clinical psychology, and a realization that, as an industry town, los angeles would never do for me a a person who majored in relating.

don't get me wrong. i love the city, but like the best of relationships, i also loathe it. but the part that i loathe is that part that is the worst of it--the narcissism, the meanness, the utter lack of community, and the values: money, youth, beauty. now, while i like to think that i have some of the previously mentioned values, i am at a point in my life where those things are not the most important things anymore. and in los angeles, they are the most important. you see, they are not my values anymore. i was thinking recently about how i have been here for nearly 20 years, and yet when i go into the local starbucks i don't know a single person, and they don't know me. that is NOT fucking okay to me anymore. at the gym that i have been going to for over 5 years they still check my i.d. as if they have never seen me. that is not fucking okay to me anymore. and here on my street, the neighbor will come over and mention that she wants the hedges trimmed that border our properties, and she will introduce herself to me even though i have met her many times previously, and that is definitely NOT fucking okay with me.

like the old "cheers" song, i want to be in a place where they know my name. l.a. is not that place. you have to be famous. i am not famous. don't want to be anymore.

so a blog is born. the thinking is that i will stay here for maybe another 10 years, at which time i will pack my bags and say goodbye. but before i do that i need to know where i am going. i have time to figure that out. hopefully you all will help, if there is a you all. not the first time i have jumped into an abyss. here we go...


  1. I just started a blog and I find your 'story' interesting and wish you good luck in this venture to find a new place to live and grow old.
    Just read a comment you left on Knuckle Crack.....couldn't agree more. It was very difficult for us to find out who we were when we were more involved in the gay scene. Luckily, we realized that this scene was not for us......everybody was too much alike or felt they had to be in order to be accepted. We survived the 'separation' very nicely......
    Amazing eh how we all tend to 'disappear' as we get older, especially' I'm sure' in a city like L.A.
    My husband and I live in a very small community and have for over 20 years now. The neighbours are friendly and we have a lot of privacy. It's a great place to live.....for us.

  2. How excited am I to get my first comment! This is exactly the perspective I want to hear about. I am very interested in knowing more about your journey to find a place. Thanks for letting me know that my comments and posts spoke to you.