Friday, February 17, 2012


i know you are frustrated, but believe me, your frustration cannot hold a candle to mine! it is just that i have not known where to start, since so many of my plans have changed. even now, as i write, i do not know what the next word will be until it comes through my fingertips. but the funny thing is that, as a writer, i just KNOW the word, and then words, will come. just like they are now. one..and..then..another.

it has been months since my last posts about my trip to san francisco. let me fill in the holes a bit. at the end of september i stopped seeing clients in my psychotherapy internship as a way to give myself a break for the holidays, as well as a way to clear time to plan the BIG MOVE in 2013. for the first time in years, i had my evenings free after my workday. the evenings were my oyster! so what did i do with the time? nothing--in a nutshell. i spent my evenings doing basically nothing. nothing. nada. zip. zero. and it was marvelous. i came to realize that i have never spent evenings doing nothing--at least not that i can remember. i have always been doing something. for most of my life i have been busy pretty much all the time. little did i realize that when i gave myself a break from my internship, i was giving myself a break from busy-ness. i did stuff, mind you: i cooked, i watched movies, i read, i slept. i shopped. i sat. i sang. but the main difference with all of these things compared with all of the usual things that i do is that with these new things, i had to be with myself. it was an existential journey in the best and worst ways.

what i discovered is that a) i liked doing nothing. i liked it A LOT!; and b) i was not sure how i wanted to move forward with my plans. i began to think that i could leave whole foods at the beginning of november (avoiding the holidays!) and take the last two months of the year off, then spend january preparing to move in february. let me tell you, i LOVED this plan! but as excited as i got, i soon realized that there was no way that i would be able to finance this wonderful plan. you see, my goal is to work less once i move to the bay area, not more. if i were to go through with this plan, i would move without much money saved and would have to get a job right away to support myself. in addition, i would be completing my internship for another 6 months, then waiting an additional 6 months to get my hours approved, all the while toiling at who knows what kind of job. i would be back to 14 hour days, with no time to explore my new surroundings, and a rent payment to worry about on top of it.

so i came up with a new and improved plan. i decided that i will finish my hours here in los angeles (i can do this this year), and submit them to the BBS before the end of the year so the approval process can get started. i will then terminate my internship to give me the time to plan the move. i will shoot for moving in mid-2013. i will do a private practice internship in the bay area, even though i won't need the hours, simply because i will then have some clients to move into my practice once i pass the exam and receive my license. additionally, this timeline will give me more time to put money aside--hopefully at least enough to cover one year's rent, and possibly enough to cover my living expenses for a few months while i settle in. better plan!

so this year i am slowly taking back some clients, and in the process giving up more and more of my newly aquired free time. but i would rather work hard here, in a familiar and comfortable environment, than work hard in an unfamiliar environment. i am supported well here in los angeles, so it works for me. and there, folks, is the new plan. i tried to keep it interesting for you.

but the catch is that i am getting antsy. i feel sometimes like i am in a holding pattern--so close to finishing all this work, but not close enough to move to the next phase. but the feeling of a holding pattern is something i am working to dispel; it is an illusion in my head. because, as i always say to my clients, we are NEVER in a holding pattern. we are always moving, it may just not feel like it. but i would be lying to you if i did not tell you that i was in a bit of a pickle, emotionally, for a couple of months.

i am not completely out of the pickle, but at least i am writing again.


i will be 50 this year. i would like to think that the date will come and go, and i will just soldier on. but that would not be the truth. because for better or worse, i am enrolled in the same idea of age as we all are, and the age "50" represents something. in today's society, that "something" is becoming more and more fluid, but all the fluid in the world cannot wash away the giant "50" painted on the bottom of the pool! still, i was doing okay with it, until one night, as i was going to bed, i had the clearest thought that i can't be turning 50!!!!! i am not ready! i don't feel it!! i don't look it!! i don't want it!!! wah!!!

and this is the thing. i will be moving up north as a 50 year old man, and by the time i get up there, i will be close to turning 51. do you ever get the feeling that something means something to you, because you feel it does, but you are not sure what it is that it means? that is me right now. i wonder how those of you who are over 50 dealt with turning 50. i am sure everyone is different. i still have a few months to find out how i will deal with it. perhaps i should re-name this blog "leaving my youth". but honestly, i left my youth 15 years ago.

and yet it does not feel like it.