leaving 2013, part three (3 of 3)

one must certainly forgive me for having "hopes" for the new year; after all, this is the time of year when the whole world reflects upon the past, and then projects upon the future, learning from what has come before and anticipating a "better" new year.  one must certainly be forgiven for this, if only because the process so often fails in a spectacular manner.  and yet, come the end of december, i, along with countless others, launch once again into an annual inventory of "successes" and "failures"--the two distinguished only by the respective accompaniment of either pleasure or pain.  so please forgive me.

compassion, they say, begins with the self. i don't think it ends with the self, but i would have to agree that this is indeed a good place to start. at least that is what has worked for me, and what i generally tell my clients. when applied to myself, compassion allows me to put aside the whip, as it were, and recognize the innocent aim of my actions, despite the occasionally meandering results.  i used to be so fucking hard on myself, expecting that every decision would be the right one, not only for me, but for those whose opinions most mattered to me.  this is the bane of being recognized as a smart kid early on--adults then heap loads of unrequited dreams upon you and you take on the responsibility of not only your satisfaction, but theirs as well. what a burden! compassion, for my self, looks something like this:  i recognize how hard i have tried to please everyone in the world so that i will feel loved, and then i stop working so goddamn hard, and settle into the new idea that i don't need to prove a goddamned thing (pleasing someone can come from a place or caring rather than obligation).

new years used to be the perfect time for me to reset the clock, as it were. wipe the slate clean, start afresh, auld lang syne and all that, but that changed somewhat once i developed compassion for myself. once i started taking it easy regarding my choices, i found that i needed something else to set the 31st of december apart from all other days of the year. for many years i did not find that replacement--i just worked on the holiday, thereby designating it as a time to make lots of money rather than lots of resolutions.  but i don't work on new years anymore, and i don't beat myself up anymore, so what do i make of it now? well, it is fairly simple, and i really don't know why i didn't just click my ruby slippers together YEARS ago and arrive sooner at this conclusion, but you know how it goes concerning the expediency of life lessons, so here i am now at where i am now. where is that? well, simply put, i am in a space of gratitude.  

before going any further, let me specify that this gratitude is not to anyone outside of myself, but instead for something outside of myself. kind of. that something is life. LIFE. on the days leading up to the new year, what i feel is gratitude for the experience of life--gratitude that it is even possible to celebrate the closing of another year (instead of being plastered against the front of a car). gratitude for the experience of all the choices i have made this year--the ones that were pleasurable and the ones that were painful. gratitude that i am able to now reflect on those choices and narrow down my repertoire of options for living a meaningful and purposeful life.  gratitude that i got through 2013 in a very pleasant way, with big changes and insights, new friends and lovers, soft whispers and loud cries, subtle closings and powerful re-entries. gratitude for the flaws and the brilliance, the in-betweens and the borders, the blurs and the clarity, the sures and the not-so-sures.  i have gratitude for all of it, because this year i have gotten a grasp on how to really be there for all of it, instead of hiding out in the past or the future.

this perspective has influenced how i live in the city as well. my best friend recently shared with me that he felt i haven't take enough responsibility for my experience in the city of los angeles, and i have to agree with him a bit. it is easy to blame a city for one's loneliness or dissatisfaction, or blame a lover, or blame your family, etc. it is not so easy to look at one's role in experience--not from the point of blame (which is useless), but from the point of having the power to make a different choice.  since i decided that i am staying in los angeles, i was faced with making a different choice about my experience in this city. but i could not just create a fantasy view--i have been here too long and lived too much--i needed to differentiate between the aspects of the city that i have no power over and the aspects over which i can exert some control. this aspect is centered around my connection with people--getting the fuck out there and making an effort to be a friend and colleague who people like being around.  and i am happy to report that, boy, have i exerted control in this area this year! i ended last year year feeling somewhat alone, much as i had ended many years. but this year i do not feel alone in the slightest, and not just because i am spending it in palm springs with my best friend. even if i was doing nothing on new years i would not feel alone--my life now feels rich and meaningful due to a remarkable circle of friends and professional acquaintances who matter to me. i built this, it did not drop in my lap, and i am sure my best friend would say that i have taken more responsibility for my experience of late.

so i can end this year with this statement: i have not fallen in love with los angeles, but i have grown to love it. this has been by intention, but i have done the exact thing that i would have had to do in san francisco had i moved there. you see, the city, any city, is nothing without its people, and i populated my life this year with some of l.a.'s most interesting occupants. because i am feeling more loved, it is easier for me to love back. as i end 2013 in southern california, the area of the country where not only did i grow up, but where i have spent the bulk of my life, i can truly say that i feel fortunate to be here, and very glad that i did not move. i did not ditch the relationship--i worked at it and am better off for the effort. i feel like michael caine's character in "hannah and her sisters" when he realizes that he loves his wife far more than he previously suspected. besides, los angeles is a marvelous city at times, it really is. no more so than at night when the smog is hidden and the lights guide one's focus into crevices and shadows, the place where love dwells and waits. los angeles is a city best seen through its shadows--the sunlight is far too obvious and easy--the city holds its heart in its darkness, as do i. so i end with a celebration of l.a.'s shadows--what i love. l.a. and i are good this year. not every relationship is workable, but every good relationship takes work. i had a good relationship that i nearly threw away.

happy new years, lover.

musings on the new year...

the pictures throughout this post are from different events from 2012 that i either hosted or was a part of, and some of them are just random photos from special days--starting with january 1st, 2012.

a diary is appealing to me at three differing times:  when it is empty; when it is being filled up; and when it is full.  now even though these three times would seem to claim ALL of the diary's life, there are important differences separating the three.  when the diary is empty, it is a receptacle for possibility and potential.  when it is being filled up, it is a process in motion.  when it is full, it is a narrative of recent history, some foreseeable and some wildly the opposite.  now if you are thinking that i am about to apply this same logic to a new year, then you are right on the money!  and this, ladies and gents, is the reason why new year's eve is the most important holiday of the year to me.

1/1/12 santa monica beach from the bluffs

as a boy, my life was fairly predictable.  i went to school, then in the summer i didn't go to school, and at night i would do my homework after the family dinner.  on sundays i would go to church.  i played.  then, at the age of 15, something extraordinary happened.  life got unpredictable for me.  a big part of that was due to the changes i was experiencing physically and developmentally--i was becoming a young man; i was opening up to, and becoming available for, a whole host of new experiences.  but there was more involved in the process than just that.  i began to have permission to make choices, something that had previously been the exclusive territory of my parents.  this shift created a perceptible and essential change in my "diary".  during my 15th year, i began to "author" more of the entries in my own diary.  and from that time on, each year has brought with it a whole slew of new choices for me to choose--some supporting predictability, and some not.

one of the characters who draw people to the venice boardwalk, even in january

other "characters" who draw people to the beach!

my feeling is that once i am no longer surprised by anything that has happened during the previous year, that when that happens, it is possible that my time will be coming to an end.

in january i spent a week in palm springs, riding there in this monster!

now, isn't that cheery?  i will tell you this, though, that whenever the "slowdown" happens, i suspect i will gladly welcome it.  there may come a time when i am happy enough to just relax through the day and ruminate on past endeavors.

on vacation in july in greencastle, mo., riding the four-wheeler!

this year, i am actually doing a version of exactly that.  you would think that someone in my position in life would be at a grand ball, or a sex-drenched crypt or a strobe-lit underground dance hall on new years eve.  you would be mistaken for having any of these assumptions, though not faulted for thinking them.  what i am doing this evening is sitting at my computer in my softly lit office, alone in my apartment, and i am writing this very blog post.  since it is new years eve, i have dressed with more care than i would normally display when hanging out around the apartment.  i have on pants, a button down short sleeve shirt, and boots.  i am drinking tea because i am wrestling with a sore throat that someone at work passed on to me in a completely non-romantic manner, but i do have a bottle of bubbly that i plan to open up in a bit so that i can toast in the new year.  i plan to stay up until midnight, and perhaps a bit later, depending on how much noise is going on around me in my hollywood neighborhood.  i have a party horn, and i have a noisemaker--my favorite kind--the ones that you spin around and they make a cranking noise!  fantastic!  and at midnight i plan to go outside with my bubbly and my noisemakers, and i will try to wrangle all of those things while "shooting" off a small confetti cannon.

i have no doubts that, like last year, the kids across the street will be setting off fireworks and sparklers, and that the tenants upstairs will be blasting their version of "good music" at their respective parties, and that maybe i will even run into another person toasting the new year under the stars.

celebrating my 50th in august at providence in l.a. with my best bud

but unlike last year, i will not be toasting to my "last year" in los angeles.  i will be toasting to my decision to stay--my decision to spend another 10, 15, or 20 years here in this crazy love-fuck of a city.  i will be toasting to staying here where my friends and therapist peers are; where i have found most of my loves and most of my heartbreaks; where i discovered that higher education could free me forever from dogma; where i left one career of passion for another career of passion; where i renewed and enhanced my love of bicycling; where i found out that i am a writer; where i can spend new years day on a bluff overlooking the pacific ocean while feeling the sun on my face;  where i turned 30 and where i turned 50, and where i have a home.

my halloween costume:  "zipperface"

as recently as two months ago, my diary for 2013 was sub-titled "the san francisco adventure begins", but now it is sub-titled "the los angeles adventure continues".  it is an odd thing when we make life changing decisions--in many ways all decisions are life changing, just some more obviously so than others.  but a decision to not move is pretty BIG life changing; i have, in effect, erased all potential san francisco entries in my 2013 diary.  what would have happened up there this year?  but the upside is that those entries will now be filled with what happens in los angeles this year, and while it may not feel as exciting as being in a new city with new places and new people, that does not mean that this won't be one of my most memorable years.  within this year i will be leaving a job i have had for over ten years to start a new career that i have been working towards for nearly that same amount of time. i will develop a private practice, and i will study for, and take, the mft licensing
exams (and i will pass them!).  i will gain time to write more, time to take more yoga, time to have more time.  in other words, my life will change this year in major ways.

and that is just the stuff i know about!

my apartment with the tree up and decorated in early december

so i will go and open that bottle of bubbly, and i will toast, like many of you, to an ending and a beginning.  and then will blow that horn, spin that noisemaker, and shoot off confetti like nobody's business.  because THAT is what we do on new years eve.  that is what we do.

happy new year, 2013.

hosting my annual 12/24 open house

*update:  it is now new years day, and i have to report that last night i did NOT make it to midnight--i crashed at 10:30--succumbing to the cold in my head and my early start of the day.  this was the first new years stroke of midnight that i have missed since my early teens!  see?  the unpredictability of the new year is already showing itself.