places, part two

my friends look at this picture of me pretending to ride a four wheeler in the field of kathy's house in greencastle, mo., and they say, "that looks like you being you". and yet this picture could not be further from my life here in los angeles.  i DID actually learn how to drive the thing, mind you, and it was quite a bit of fun to tear around the mowed hay field in the back yard of the house.  but i hear what my friends were saying.  they were not commenting on the context of the photo, they were commenting on me, within the photo.  they were commenting on how i look just like me, even in different surroundings.

well, duh.

i suspect that they were expecting to see me in overalls, sporting a kerchief and straw hat.  but the truth is that i have a pretty agreeable self-presentation that requires very little altering from situation to situation.  the way that you see me in the picture above is how i might also look one day at work, or how i might look one day at the movies--you get the idea.  i do know of gay men who have their "work clothes" and their "play clothes", but goodie for me, my outfits are pretty interchangeable.  

and yet there is something different about me in the photo, and that would be the place.  i don't often find myself driving a four wheeler in a hay field in greencastle, mo. and so, despite the recognizable presentation in the photo, i am not, actually, me being me.  i am, instead, me being me in a small town, while on vacation, and that was a nice me to experience.

the me that i experienced in greencastle was not subject to the anxiety i encounter here in los angeles as soon as i leave my apartment.  on the contrary, i looked forward to venturing outside of kathy's home and into the surrounding neighborhood.  rather than looking at the ground and guarding myself against interaction, i noticed that i was looking up, and meeting the gaze of passing motorists, who then gave me the finger.  no, not what you are thinking, but rather the raised finger or two of the hand on the steering wheel, indicating an acknowledgement and a greeting in one economic gesture.



drivers in los angeles do not give the fingerwave.  believe me when i tell you this.  but even if they did, i would not notice it, because i don't look at drivers when i am walking in l.a.  there are too damn many of them, and they are not looking at me.  but in greencastle, mo., there are very few drivers, so when one of them passes you by, you take a look, because they are taking a look at you.  that's the way it goes back there, and it's not a bad way to go about your day.  not a bad way at all.

in greencastle, as in green city, the neighboring town, i looked up and around when i walked about, and i was reminded of who i was as a child, constantly curious, endlessly innocent, forever wondering, fantastically imagining.  i had nearly forgotten that me.

there were so many things to look at that are different from what i see in los angeles:

beautiful old houses in varying degrees of upkeep

i was told that i could buy a house like the ones above for around $15,000, and that is why people who are retired so often retire in places like this.  i mean, who wouldn't?  well...me.  but i am not so sure.  other than being missed at church, i am sure that if i were to retire in a place like this, i would pretty much resemble most of the other "old folks" in town, with the exception that i would have better furniture, music, and clothes.

never ending country roads

riding a bike, believe it or not, would be more hazardous here than in the big city, primarily due to the lack of width of the roads and lack of shoulder.  in addition, at night few of these roads are lit, as you can see by the lack of street lights in the pic above.  my little powerful bike lights wouldn't stand a chance against the country darkness and the big rigs.

re-imagined old opry houses (now housing lions club bingo on saturday nights)

abandoned school buses serving as home

i actually saw a confederate flag in one "yard", which amused me more than it surprised me.  i can say that there is a lot of "white trash" there because there is even more "white trash" in los angeles.  in los angeles the trash just masquerades as reality show stars.

amish farms and stores

believe it or not, i bought a few of the pamphlets sold at the amish stores, primarily for "research", and i am sure that i will soon write a post about how sensible i actually think their way of living is--minus the whole god part.  i bought some gifts for my friends back home.

small town main streets that had seen better days

abandoned theaters (this one now serving as a private residence)

lots of tractors

rows of mailboxes

rustic beauty

as i wandered and wandered, camera in hand, i imagined who i might have been if i had been raised in towns like these--small, sidewalk-less, traditional.  and as i wandered and wandered, i imagined who i might be if i were to currently live in towns like these.  my imagination ran wild, i have to say, and i like where it took me.  i liked the me i imagined in these towns, while realizing that the town in my imagination would not be the town that perhaps existed behind the doors of these century old homes and rustic windows.  but i must tell you that what is important here is not that i would ever consider living in towns this size, because i wouldn't, as mentioned in the previous post, but that i was able to connect with the less guarded, more imaginative and adventurous person i remembered from so many years ago.  i was able to connect with the me that nods at passing drivers, and says "hello" to people i pass on walks. it sounds hokey, but it was a relief for me to have an experience of myself apart from my "social anxiety" and aggressive stance in the world.  little did i realize that by traveling back to missouri, i would not only revisit memories of my childhood, i would also revisit myself.

***

here is the thing about a "response" that one has to life.  we can't help but wonder if that response is a permanent change, or merely a layer on top of the base.  i do have the opinion that both cases occur.  have you ever seen a loony old person and wondered to yourself who they were 40, 50, maybe 60 years ago?  well, i have.  and in the middle of that wondering, i find myself thinking about what happened to them that caused them to journey down the road toward looniness.  could they have chosen differently?

i would like to think that my choice to leave los angeles is the opportunity to take myself off the road to looniness.  besides having a wonderful vacation, my time in missouri showed me that i still have the chance to choose.  good to know.

"fourth of july" parade baby.  adorable!

places, part one

fortunately for me, my vacation this year was not planned by me.  it was planned by my brother.  well, sort of.  he called me earlier this year and told me that he wanted to go visit our aunt edith and her family where they live in greencastle, missouri, as she is 94 years old and may not be around much longer.  he told me that he was going to ask our sister to join us, and since i had not seen her since our mother's funeral, it would be an opportunity for us three to spend some time together.  would i be interested in joining them? 

well i must confess that when it comes to vacations, i don't usually hold greencastle, missouri, in the competition for destinations, but i did like the idea of seeing both my brother and my sister together, along with my aunt and her family.  the week my brother proposed for this gathering was over the fourth of july.  we would have the opportunity to participate in a real small town fourth of july, with fireworks (legal in missouri), potato salad, and a main street parade.

so i said yes.

***

the last time i was in greencastle, i was with my family, and it was many many years ago.  i must have been around 13 or 14 years old, and we had travelled there by car from san diego, california.  my brother is 14 months older than i am, and this was probably one of our last "family" vacations, where the four of us would all go somewhere together that was decided by mom and dad.  my aunt edith had lived with us for a few years at an earlier time, and so we were visiting her family in missouri: her daughter karla and her husband ron, and their three teenage daughters karen, kathy, and krista(seriously). 

it was summer at the time of this visit, but not the fourth of july. we had a grand time, as i remember. ron was a big muckety muck in the town, which was impressive to me, but not that big of a deal in a town of 250 people, i guess. but he owned and ran a small grocery store, a laundromat, and a carwash, all located within a block of their nearly 100 year old home. he was also the mayor! at the time, my dad was managing a safeway store back home, so he was considered the "expert" in the grocery business, and we all pitched in at ron's store to help "fancy up" his shelves and make it look more professional. we kids would tear back and forth from the house to the store, stocking shelves, sweeping, you name it, and little did i realize at the time that nearly 40 years later i would still be working in the grocery business (a humbling admission).

but the best memory was of the weekend, when the town held a 72 hour softball tournament in the field at the park, and of course we all pitched in, though not literally, since we weren't playing.  but they needed people to man the hot dog stand, and i was more than happy to help with this task.  i remember getting up in the wee hours of the morning, it must have been 3am or so, and running over to the park to work my "shift".  the park was only a half block away, and in a town of less than 300 people, parents don't worry so much about their kids running around.  it was so much fun, and the fact that it is one of my lasting memories tells me how impactful this experience of "community" was for me.  i felt safe and welcome, and i had something to contribute.  who could ask for anything more?  i think that perhaps i am still longing for those feelings again, after all these years.

***

this time, there were a few differences in ol' greencastle.  the town is depressed, but then that is the case with pretty much the whole midwest, as far a small towns go.  ron's grocery store is long gone, and the laundromat and car wash are closed; the buildings are boarded up and grown over.

kathy, the middle daughter, lives in the house where karla and ron used to live.

she raised five children there with her husband randy (who she was dating when we were there as teens).  karla and ron now live in a house next door, and my aunt edith lives with them.  the two houses are located between two church buildings, which concerned me a bit.  i hoped that i would make it through the week without being burned at the stake, but i needn't have worried, because i never saw any activity at all in the church buildings.

the ball park is still there, but there is not much going on, except during the labor day holiday, when i hear that all sorts of activities happen:  truck pulls, rodeo, etc. but despite the changes, the place retains its small town charm.  amidst the white trash trailers, junk-filled front yards, and confederate flags, there are still beautiful victorian homes, and fields of green, and centuries old trees, and lots of quiet.  

there is not much business going on in town, but there is sandy's country cookin', which appears to do a decent amount of business.

this is still a town where ron will leave the keys in the ignition of the car after he parks it, where everyone knows everyone, and where people are connected to nature and its effects on the weather and the growing cycle.  people here know how to fix things, because you have to know this.

but of course, i could never live there.  or at least, if i did live there, i would not last for long.  this is god's country, and if you do not believe in god, then you might as well be burning american flags on your front lawn.

add into that the gay factor, and i am sure that in no time at all there would be rumours of me having a forked tongue and a basement for abducting cornfed country boys (the latter not being an unappealing idea, at least in my mind).  and yet there is something about this small, god-fearing town that calls to me.  perhaps it is the sense of community that i mentioned earlier.  perhaps it is the connection to nature and hard work.  perhaps it is the simplicity of life.  perhaps it is the emphasis on family.  whatever it is, i felt a part of what was going on, which is often more than i can say of my experience in los angeles.  don't we all want to feel like we are part of what is going on?

shifting, part two

grab a cup of coffee...this is a bit of a dense one. i apologize ahead of time. wait--no i don't. :-)


Photo by Flickr user orangeacid

okay, so where to begin…
since this is primarily a blog about moving to new places, i want to frame my discussion of "shifting" within that perspective, helping me to avoid the overtly personal and hopefully universalizing, for the reader, what i am currently experiencing. it will be best to begin by breaking down the key areas where i have noticed the shifts taking place. they are:

*personal

*professional

*environmental

as i wrote in the previous post, “shifts” often begin even before we take action towards a change; they begin when we start thinking about a change. for me, moving out of los angeles is not just about moving away from this city, it is also about moving away from who i am in this city. to be honest with you, i sometimes doubt that this is even possible. noticing myself in this city is a combination of awareness of the environment and awareness of the personal, and involves a consideration of where, how, and even how much these two factors interact. i have written plenty on how the city affects the personal, but what bothers me is noticing how the personal may just be, well, the personal. in other words, i may just be who i am, despite the influence of where i live.

at least, to an extent.

i once had a very bad therapist. well, to be fair, he was a good therapist for the first seven years when i was seeing him, but during the last three he was indeed very, very bad. this is because it appeared to me that he started to dislike me, and that is not a good experience for a client to have! my hunch is that he was envious of me, but that is just my hunch, and we will leave it at that. the most egregious example of his insensitive position was one time when I confessed to him that i feared i might be developing some sort of social anxiety, and he responded by saying, “MIGHT be!”. needless to say, that didn’t make me feel any better! bad therapist!! but you know what, i suspected what he suspected, namely, that i might suffer from social anxiety. i might. now you can look up the definition of social anxiety on your own, and i don't intend to go into details here about why the label might be true for me. but what i do want to highlight is that whether or not it is true, i have been blaming most of my discomfort on los angeles rather than admitting that this may just be a part of who i am in relationship to the world. i mean, i am a therapist, for cryin’ out loud, it is not a stretch for me to understand this issue and recognize the triggers.

so it would be foolish for me to think that i could move out of los angeles without bringing along some of the baggage, since some of that baggage may include items that i brought to this city with me.

one of the bloggers i follow, max, recently took the brave step of describing what it was like for him to suffer from PTSD. i applaud him for doing so, since it is often hard for non-sufferers to understand what the sufferer is dealing with. well, for me, i will say this about social anxiety: it is often difficult for me to be in the world. not impossible, but difficult. some places are easier(safer) than others. i am most comfortable when surrounded by people i know(and like), or when i am in a place where i have the control. but in a crowd of strangers, i become somewhat anxious and guarded. it is something like this: when i am around people, it is hard to relax. i find myself suddenly aware of almost everything: whether they are too fat or too thin; whether or not they can leave their phones in their pockets for more than five seconds; whether or not they have more items in their baskets than the sign allows; whether they are complaining about how 'this place never has enough cashiers'; whether they are aware of me or not; whether i find them attractive or not; whetherwhetherwhetherwhetherwhetherwhether.

i usually get through it by looking at the floor and just "going inside" until it is my turn at the cashier, for example, and then i get out of there and wonder what the hell i was thinking for coming to a store in the first place.

this is why i consider it a miracle that i had a career onstage performing in front of audiences of strangers—but i am grateful for that, because it has helped me to be less anxious in the world(maybe because i am in control onstage). it is not lost on me that many actors admit to having their own social anxieties--i once heard a story about al pacino that reported how he hides behind large plants at house parties. but i don’t think that my anxiety will magically change when i leave this city. i just hope to make it easier by moving to a place where there is a greater chance of being surrounded by friends, or at least people i like, instead of hostile narcissistic strangers. more importantly, i would like my sense of safety to extend beyond the walls of my apartment.

but back to the shifts…

in a nutshell, the personal/professional/environmental shift i am feeling is connected closely to the fact that i am turning 50 this year(let's face it, they are all connected). i am sure that i have volumes to write about this, but suffice it to say that, despite looking youthful and being fit, i am aware that I am no longer young(though i AM fit), and that some adjustments in behavior may be warranted. NOT because a 50 year old should act a certain way, but because i want to put my focus on behaviors that enhance my sense of self-worth as an older gay man. for me, that means "shifting" away from certain behaviors i have engaged in successfully as a not-so-older gay man. this is not proving to be too difficult, as i find that lately i have less and less interest in many of these behaviors. yay! (if you find me being vague, it is in the interest of writing universally, as i mentioned earlier.) i credit this shift directly to the idea that i am thinking differently about myself recently--better, in fact--perhaps due to being close to finishing my internship hours and moving on toward licensure, and also perhaps because of how i want to think about myself as i approach fifty. fortunately, i am reading a very helpful book that uniquely describes this very shift process. concerning behavior, dr. morin has this very powerful and succinct statement to offer: "the goal...is to bring one's behavior into alignment with one's values--not perfectly, of course, but as close as possible."(italics mine)

i highly recommend checking it out if you are experiencing a similar process yourself.



dr. morin focuses on shifts in the "erotic" self, but his book is more far reaching than that. what i will share with you here is that he writes that when we shift how we think about ourselves, we will often find that the things that turn us on don't turn us on so much anymore. he says that this is because many of our turn ons are based on the ideas we have about ourselves. in my case, one of the things that no longer turns me on is "los angeles". in fact, if i think of los angeles as one of my "relationships", it feels like i have broken up with this city, but am still living with it because neither of us has found new places to move to yet. actually, it feels like los angeles has indeed moved on to other relationships, and is doing just fine, and i am stuck in the awkward position of treading water. it is time for me to move on as well(the environmental shift--no longer thinking of myself in a good relationship with this city).

what it all comes down to(if you have lasted this long) is that for the first time in my life, i am starting to feel like i don't have to love or be loved by only damaged people, and that i don't have to try so hard to love or be loved by a damaged city. whew!

that is certainly a shift.

shifting, part one

the photos included in this blog posting were taken at the los angeles gay pride parade on june 10, 2012. i decided to go this year because i think it will be the last year i attend a los angeles pride parade, and also because this year has been a pretty fantastic year for gay rights advancement, and i was curious to see how that was expressed in both the parade and the attending crowd. i have to report it was pretty much business as usual, with the occasional reference to marriage equality and president obama.



oh well.

i also decided to include these pictures because i have always seen the attendees of gay pride as being "shapeshifters" of their own. it is endlessly interesting to me to wonder how long one has been attached to a particular identity: drag diva, leatherman, biker, bear, rainbow twink.


a bitchin' biker chick

for myself, i will report that i presented the identity that pretty much follows me most places these days: "classic hipster tony".


me on the left, with my work buddy "coco"

by classic, that means that my pants actually reach to my shoes, that i wear socks, and that my sunglasses are the aviator variety, NOT neon-rimmed wayfarers. i know how to dress, i can say that about myself! and yet that dress code in itself is a shift from my previous pride outfits, which, like most gay men's pride outfits, was most noticeable for how little outfit there actually was. yes, i admit to being a bit of a shapeshifter myself. enjoy the pictures. now on to the post.

***

there is a theory about psychotherapy that goes something like this: the therapy process actually begins before the client begins therapy. it begins as soon as he or she takes the first step toward starting therapy--calling a clinic, scheduling an intake, etc. the reason for this is scientific: once we decide to do something, that decision jump-starts a process of change within our brains. in other words, we begin to realize effects from our decisions even before we actualize them with behavior or action. you might notice this in yourself in the way that decisions alter the way you think/feel about yourself.


a gay swing band--they were pretty good!

for me, i have had several dramatic instances of this process occur over the span of my adult life. if i think back far enough, the earliest, and certainly one of the most memorable of these has to be the moment when i first thought of myself as a gay person, rather than a straight person. actually, i don't think i ever thought of myself as a straight person, so perhaps the shift was from a pre-sexual experience of myself to a homosexual experience of myself. let me tell you, it was pretty damn big, this shift! but even before i made the conclusive shift from non-decided to decided, a process had begun. i had noticed myself noticing boys--mind you, i was in my early teens. this awareness in itself started a "shift" in how i experienced myself, even though, at the time, a consideration of homosexuality was the absolute worst possibility i could think about.


a young man i "noticed" along the route

well, it is happening all over again. not the realization of my sexuality--that is pretty firmly decided at this point--but the shifting process. i started this blog over two years ago. recently, at a casual dinner, one of my good friends made fun of my talk of san francisco, saying, "when the fuck are you going to make this move? you have been talking about it forEVER!" i laughed, because he is right, and yet what he doesn't realize is that the move has already started. referring to the first paragraph, i can honestly say that the process of moving began as soon as i decided that i wanted to move. the "shift" had begun.


i am a sucker for a pretty green and blue themed float

i have noticed this in both small and large ways. years ago, when i was but a budding teen, i had an idea of what kind of man i wanted to be as i grew up. my emerging sexuality intruded on that idea quite insistently--subtly at first, and much more forcefully as time went on. but unlike that time, i am the one initiating this current shift, rather than it being initiated by change.


i used to get most of my clothes from "out of the closet". now they are mostly from "banana republic". you can decide what that means.

i have written a lot on the subject of who i am as a longtime resident of los angeles. not all of it is bad, mind you. the bad stuff is like a wart on my personality: mostly benign and dormant, but with the potential to become problematic and painful. but when i think of the areas where i consider my development to be positive, i must admit that it is an extensive consideration. i am not the same person i was when i arrived in los angeles in 1991, but then the world has changed dramatically since then as well. i used to tolerate such abuse from people--not physical, but it often felt like it, such was the psychological damage. i don't think i am unlike most gay men in that regard--growing up feeling as if i were somehow a "mistake" that slipped into the world, and not really deserving of "space". if there is one thing that los angeles forces one to do, it is to make space for oneself. if you don't do that, then you don't belong here--you will most likely fade into the background and spend your time supporting those who do make space for themselves--much like an extra on a film.


pride attendees covering the "space" that wingnut fundamentalists have for themselves along the parade route. i think that after a couple of hours, the protesters were mostly trying to convince themselves of their own argument.

as a gay man, i was challenged to make space for myself both personally and professionally, but it was the personal challenge that presented the most difficulty. fortunately, as i have struggled with my personal presence in this city, i have been bolstered by the parallel path of the gay rights movement here. it has been heartening to observe and participate in. but the difference, as i see it, between the gay presence in los angeles and the same in san francisco is that in los angeles, gays will always be of the city, whereas in san fransisco, gays are the city. not that gays haven't had to struggle in the north, but to me the struggle up there has been about who is getting the best bedroom in the house, as opposed to whether or not we will ever get to stop sleeping on the couch at all!


this kid was having a blast. he was hitting a ball that was tossed his way--i am sure it had something to do with the float he was on!

my current shift is part of a continuum. now that i have pushed my way into having space in this city, i realize that this is no longer the house i want to live in. i guess i don't like the other housemates so much!

perhaps the course of development is this: once we decide that we should have space in the world, we then move on to deciding where we want to make space.

i do like the sound of that...

(next time...what has shifted)


the b of a group--they needed a LOT of space.

why i am different

there are certain aspects of being "me" that frequently make it difficult to get through the day. that is just a fact--one that i have learned to live with, because, let's face it, i don't have many other choices. and yet, have you ever noticed (when it comes to that certain peculiarity that we may, if we are lucky, uncover before anybody else notices it), that while being an extra load to carry, there is also fondness and pleasure to be found in the tingling discomfort? if we are smart, we figure out how to prosper, despite our peculiarity, and often because of it. but this takes more than simple determination. action, as i see it, like consciousness, is a relationship between the brain, the body, and the outside environment. i won't go into the details here, but if you even spend a split second considering one of your actions, you will easily reach the same conclusion.

well, i have spent many years working on the part of the equation that i have the most control over, and if you haven't guessed, that ain't the environment. one of the ways that psychotherapy can work well is in addressing the mind-body relationship. if you have someone who really knows their stuff, and they are willing to use a macro approach to your challenges--taking a bit of it off of you (opening up ownership of "your" problems)--then the role of the environment will also come into the discussion. in my case, i felt for many years that my peculiarities were solely residents within my psyche, and that i was the one variable that needed to change. i tried everything: therapy (of course), meditation, yoga, erotic energy retreats, self-actualization workshops, even the parts that i chose as an actor. and all of these things were effective in helping me learn how to walk in the world.

but it wasn't until my graduate education began that i came to realize how powerful a role our environment plays in our lives.

***

i began my graduate studies in psychology ten years after i arrived in los angeles, or mid-point between when i arrived and when i am planning to leave. before my return to school, i was working in the entertainment and catering businesses, trying to make a career as an actor/dancer/singer (and sometimes doing it!). that career path is what brought me to los angeles from san diego in the first place, but that was not the only reason i came here. in san diego, i was aware of being in a "medium" city--not exactly a small city, and not a large one. there are those who would call san diego a large city, but i am not among them! now, los angeles, that is a large fucking city!! as far as the city population itself (not the county counts), los angeles has nearly four times the amount of residents as san diego. large!!!! it was this very largeness that appealed to this san diego boy...i wanted to live a large life in a large city, not a medium life in a medium city. i have never been "medium". (hint: i have just identified for you one of my peculiarities!)

my time in los angeles (20 years) has been an exercise in noticing how the environment reacts against my mind and body, and vice versa. and that is where my differences come in to play. some of my differences are visible, as in the way i behave or respond, and some of them are not, as in the way i think. before you can understand the role that "los angeles the environment" has had in my life, you should at least know some of the ways in which i am different.

the short list of external differences:
-i don't have a car. i ride a bike exclusively in the city--in traffic.
-i have not had cable t.v. in years.
-i do not have an iphone.
-my phone does not have data service--i use it to make and receive calls, and to send and receive texts. it is usually off, and inside of my backpack. i feel embarrassed to have phone conversations in public.
-at the gym, i do not even have my phone. i do not wear earbuds at the gym.
-i read books. NOT on a kindle, but real books.
-i clean my own apartment, and i cook my own food. i am very good at doing both of these tasks.
-i currently have NO online social profiles other than facebook, which i keep private. i am not on grinder, and probably never will be, because i think too highly of myself.
-i have less than 100 friends on facebook, 20 or so of which are family. i know everybody who i am friends with on facebook, with the exception of three people who live in other countries.
-at nearly 50 years of age, i rock skinny jeans.
-i know how to spell really really well.
-sometimes i am an asshole, and i don't apologize for it, because the people who are receiving my assholeness deserve it...um, most of the time.

the short list of internal differences:
-i am an atheist. i think that belief in god signals a lack of critical thinking skills, or at the very least, an unwillingness to be "comfortable with the chaos". sue me.
-i don't "feel" gay, even though i have been having sex with men for nearly 35 years.
-i think that i am smarter than most of the population(internal), and i let people know it(external).
-i prefer solitude over vacuous company. i would rather do one on one. actually, i prefer solitude.
-i think about death, a lot, which means that i think about life, a lot.
-i create my own meaning in life.
-i don't think about love the way most people do.
-i don't think about sex the way most people do.
-i cherish my long term friendships, and could not imagine my life without them.
-music is my greatest influence.

if you think about this list, i do not sound like an angelino. not...at...all. this city is full of superficial and insecure people who flaunt their cellphone conversations like IMDb resumes. in their quest for meaning and importance, they jump on spiritual trends with an earnestness that borders on pathology; they defend online information as though they actually know how to review studies, when the reality is that the required attention span would elude all but the most dedicated ritalin users. they embrace youth with the desperate yearning of a poet seeking rhymes, without any of the meaning. they relate to their sexuality as a dog relates to a fire hydrant--with limited interest and a detached commitment. they try to love, but hate that they have to try. they have sex, resenting the feeling that they don't know how to love. they define identity by album pictures in facebook profiles, and "friend" others with as much discretion as one might pick lint off a jacket.

this is a lost city, and i detest most of the people who live here(except for the ones
i don't). my "relationship" with the environment here is unhealthy, at best, because the environment--los angeles and the film/television industry--largely creates the angelino described above. i do not want to further become one of them.

as i said, i am different.

settling

i had an interesting observation shared with me the other day. one of my friends, we will call him "j", mentioned to me that he had read my blog, and that it occurred to him that, by deciding to move to san francisco, i might be "settling". he added that he was able to come to this
conclusion based on a feeling that he had that i seemed to be looking for a place to "retire". huh. now, i am the type of person who finds observations about my life and my thoughts to be extremely interesting, possibly because it seems that they happen so rarely. oh, you know how
it goes. if we take a moment to address the lost art of conversation, we could jump hastily to the idea that conversations, as they appear today, have been reduced oftentimes to mere exchanges of our activity calendars.

"hey, what's up?"
"oh, not much, just going to work."
"oh, me too, but afterwards i am meeting sally for a drink."
"well, tell her i said hello. i saw her last week."

and so on. i am bored even writing that, so i can imagine how terrible it is to read! i understand that there are simple pleasant exchanges that do not require depth, but there needs to be a balance--yes? perhaps i am idealistic (i am!), but i think that a conversation should involve an exchange of ideas, and if it is to be considered successful at all, then all parties involved must leave the conversation changed in just the slightest way. i was tempted to use the word "affected", but i don't think that word is specific enough. "changed" implies that we are not who we were at the beginning of the conversation, in other words, we leave each other thinking differently, if only a little bit. let me give you a new example:

"hey, what's up?"
"oh, not much, just going to work."
"it sounds like you are not very excited about going to work!"
"well, i'm not. my boss is being a real jerk, and i am tired all the time because i have not been sleeping well."
"i am sorry to hear that, truly. i didn't realize that you were having such a hard time right now. i remember going through a similar time a couple years ago, and i realized afterward that i was anxious about what was going on in my relationship."
"wow, you don't know what it is like to hear that. sometimes i feel like i am just complaining, that i should be grateful for all that i have and stop whining. sometimes i think that nobody else is this selfish."
"it is not selfish to recognize that you are unhappy. you know what? i am meeting sally after work for a drink--why don't you join us? she would love to see you, and maybe it would cheer you up a bit to get out and be around friends."
"i love that idea. i think i will! i am glad i ran into you. i don't feel quite so alone in all this now. you are a good friend, and i don't say that enough."
"you think i am a good friend? huh. that is nice to hear. i am glad i ran into you as well. let's meet at six, then. i hope you have a better day at work."
"thanks, i look forward to tonight. thanks again."

see what i mean? can you tell the difference between the two examples?

my conversations with j are truly conversations, in that i feel that he is as interested in what i have to say as i am in what he has to say. so when he told me that he felt i was settling, i did not take offense. rather, i felt flattered that he would take such an interest in my motivations. a true conversation had occurred; i came away changed. i can only hope that he was also changed. actually, i am confident that he was. for myself, i was changed in that i began to think about my motivation for deciding on san francisco. i have shared as much in this very blog, so i will not repeat myself here, but i got to thinking about his perception that i seem to want to "retire" there.

***

in deciding to move away from los angeles, i have been clear about the fact that i am through with this city. i have been clear about what i am looking for, and why i think i have a better chance of finding it in the bay area. in starting the blog, i initially thought that i might take ten years or so to decide where i wanted to move--sharing, all the while, my travels, experiences, and perceptions of various cities in the united states, until i decided on the perfect place. but...i realized that i don't want to wait ten years. i don't want to move after i have already established a psychotherapy practice, and i also don't want to move around the time that i approach the age of sixty. i don't want to wait that long! i don't want to go somewhere at the age of sixty and try to establish a new social circle. it will be challenging enough to do when i am fifty!

there were a few other factors hastening my decision. i think it best to stay in california, namely because this is where i intend to get my license, and it is also vital that i be in a climate where i can bike all year round. additionally, i don't want to be toofar away from my los angeles friends, and my family in san diego. but the clincher, and the reason that i have concluded that j's observation is valid and appreciated, yet inaccurate, is the fact that i lovethe bay area. i really really do! i love the cooler weather (i love wearing jackets!), the restaurants, the trees, the coffee, the universities, the bart, the gay scene, the castro, the neighborhoods, the bookstores, the sophistication, the men, the bike paths, and the culture. i am a californian, but i think that i am no longer a southern californian. this is what i think. i think this enough to gamble everything that i have here and get up and move.

now, i need to say the following: i am sure that there are a number of cities that may fulfill my needs as well as san francisco, if not more so. but i remember someone saying this about deciding on being in a relationship: at some point, you have to just choose one. i feel that this applies to my search for a city. i could "date" many cities in my search for the perfect one, but i know that there is no perfect city. at some point, i would have to just choose one. is this settling? well, it depends on how the decision was made. and the same goes for deciding on who to be in a relationship with! my decision is based on a true desire to live in the bay area, and the "wish" to eventually go to berkeley to obtain another masters or two. it is based on the need to be close to my absolute best friend dave o., and to also be in a city that he will probably visit often for work. it is based on the need, as mentioned before, to be in a place where i never have to buy a car, and where i can continue to ride my bicycle year round. it is based on the need to be in a place that is politically active and liberal, and culturally diverse, and certainly "gay". it is based on the idea that i could spend ten years exploring places in this country when the best choice has already signaled itself to me in my body's response when i am there. there is a romantic notion that san francisco is the city where all the lost souls of atlantis eventually gather--i first heard this in tale of the city, and though i don't believe in souls, or atlantis, i like the feeling of this idea.

i do not ever plan to "retire". i have chosen a career where all i have to do, in essence, is sit in a chair, listen, and ask questions. i will get paid a lot of money to do this, so i will not have to work a lot of hours. who would want to retire from that? i love doing therapy. it is my way of connecting meaningfully with people--or at least one very powerful way. i think that j was referring to my recent declaration of a "slowdown" in my social/sexual life, and the thought that i may be "done" with dating. of course, i don't really think that, but it sure feels like it right now. the truth is that i am "done" with dating like i have been doing it in the past few years, and let's leave it at that. and truth be told, i have no idea what is coming next in that area of my life, which is unusual for me. perhaps i will retire from dating, perhaps i will do it differently in san francisco. i suspect the latter. time will tell.

so i have this to say to j: i thank you for your observation, but i do not agree with you. settling, for me, would be to stay in los angeles, where i live in a wonderful rent free two bedroom apartment, where i have friends and career potential, where the weather is certainly agreeable most of the time. settling would mean staying here where it is easy for me. moving north presents HUGE challenges, many of which i am a bit anxious about. there is no settling in the task that i have set before me. but thank you, j, for being interested enough to venture an opinion, for you have prompted me to review my intentions. and for this, i am grateful.

i look forward to our next conversation.

living in the shadow of the castles

i live in the middle of hollywood proper. what that means is that i do not live in west hollywood, east hollywood, or the hollywood hills. i live in the "flats", as they might say in some other part of the country where i have obviously never lived. the apartment building i live in is surrounded by movie production houses: the places where most films are finished. there are even a couple of smaller film studios, like this one:

this place was actually built in 1918, and used by howard hughes to film "wings", but now it is mostly a space for whoever wants to rent a soundstage--it has no affiliation with any of the big studios. of course, about a quarter mile from there is my favorite film studio of all, paramount pictures:

i have been on this lot many times, during the days when i used to do studio deliveries for catering companies. paramount is beautiful because it is closest to the way it was back in the day--very regal and stately, and it really looks the way one would imagine a film studio looking, unlike, say, sony studios, which barely resembles the famous mgm lot that it took over. i used to love going onto the lots--i got to see the insides of every major working studio in los angeles, and of course i used to fantasize that someday i would be arriving there as a film actor. ah well...best that did not happen. i like my life as a regular joe.

finally, i have an emotional connection to the nearby ren-mar studios, for two reasons: it used to be the home of desilu productions, where i love lucy was filmed, and secondly, it houses the front gate that madonna drove through in a scene from her "material girl" video. ha. showing my roots, there.

***

on sunday the 26th of february the 84th annual academy awards were held here in hollywood. on hollywood blvd., even. can ya beat that? yes i can. they were held at the hollywood and highland complex. ha! in other words, the ultimate hollywood experience. the hollywood and highland complex is next door to the mann's chinese theater, one of the most visited and iconic of hollywood movie palaces. basically, during the week of the oscars, the tourists in the area go absolutely bat-shit crazy with excitement. can you imagine travelling thousands of miles to visit hollywood and arriving in time to see them set up the academy awards? at least they are getting their travel dollars worth.

entrance to the stairs the stars will climb to the theater

here in the "flats", i am about one mile from where it all happens. every year, on oscar sunday, i can hear the news helicoptors that hover all day over the site, and occasionally i will see a stretch limo cruising around the neighborhood on its way to who knows what. obviously they are not going to the pavillions to pick up toilet paper, like i am, but then picking up my own toilet paper keeps me "grounded", so who is the winner now, mr. big shot???

this year, i decided to ride my bike into the middle of the commotion to check out the setup. i went on the day before the awards, and i took a few pictures. it was fun, and i was very happy that i did not have to navigate the area in a car, since the cars that were there were not really going anywhere very quickly. there were mostly a lot of crew folks there, busy setting up lights and carting in the large display oscars that would sit on the red carpet. there were no stars hanging out, but then i did not expect to see any. not so sure about the tourists expectations, though.

it was fun to check things out, and i was surprised that the security guards i encountered were nice about how they handled all the lookie-loos. i don't always have good experiences with police and security guards, especially when i am on my bike, as they all mostly look at bike riders as troublemakers. they are right. but still...

anyway, they were okay on this day. in this picture, they had to close off the sidewalk for two minutes while this guy moved an oscar prop across the path to the red carpet. i love this stuff...

i only stayed around long enough to snap a half dozen pictures, and then i got my butt out of there! but i must say that it is amazing to see how they set it all up, after all, the oscars are watched all over the world, and i was able to see it up close!

at work, someone told me that they were offered tickets to the actual ceremony. he couldn't go, but i think he would have liked to. i told him that there was no way that i would ever attend the ceremony unless i was up for an award. the reason? i am a nobody in this town, at least as far as the film industry goes, and attending the oscars as a nobody would be like going to a party that i was not invited to where i didn't know anybody. no fun! and though i have no evidence to back up this next claim, i have a suspicion that were i to attend, i would not be treated very well. because i am a nobody. and in los angeles, if you are a nobody (not important in the film industry), you had better act invisible, or you will be put back into your place (invisibility).

of course, we nobodys don't act invisible, and that is where the trouble starts. often, when i make my presence apparent, i am told to get back in line, or worse, to get out. i am speaking somewhat symbolically here, but not really. and this is where i bring my post back to the theme of this blog--as a bike riding grocery store worker, i am a nobody in los angeles. my masters degree does not matter to the casual observer, because here one is judged on externals: face, body, car, money, house. out of those five i have the first two to some extent. two out of five is not bad, but it is not enough to make me a somebody--in order to be a somebody with just those two out of five you have got to have the face and the body. following me here?

there are those who tell me that people are the same everywhere. i disagree with them. there are those who tell me that whereever you go, there you are. i somewhat disagree with them. what these well-meaning folks are neglecting is the HUGE influence that the environment has on our experience of ourselves, and our experience of the world. consciousness, as i understand it, is not isolated in our brains. it is a 3-way relationship between our brain, our body, and the environment. my environment, the city of los angeles, has begun to affect me in a way that i don't like. in other words, i don't like who i am in los angeles.

it is my fantasy, not entirely unfounded, that in san francisco i will be valued for more than my face, body, car, money, and house. it is my fantasy that i will be valued for my education, and what i will eventually do with it (psychotherapy). it is my fantasy that i will be valued for my writing, and my cooking, and what is in my head, rather than just what is on the outside. it is my feeling that age is less of a stigma in san fransisco than it is here in los angeles.

if it sounds like i want to "break up" with los angeles and "date" san fransisco, then you are right on the money. i was once told that we break up relationships NOT because we fall out of love with our partners, but because we fall out of love with who WE are in the relationship. i love this viewpoint. i have fallen out of love with who i am in this city, and i want to be in a city where i love who i am. i want to be in a city where the castles are universities, not movie studios. in a city like that, i will most likely live within the castle, rather than in the shadow of it.

i will be somebody.

reconnecting

i know you are frustrated, but believe me, your frustration cannot hold a candle to mine! it is just that i have not known where to start, since so many of my plans have changed. even now, as i write, i do not know what the next word will be until it comes through my fingertips. but the funny thing is that, as a writer, i just KNOW the word, and then words, will come. just like they are now. one..and..then..another.

it has been months since my last posts about my trip to san francisco. let me fill in the holes a bit. at the end of september i stopped seeing clients in my psychotherapy internship as a way to give myself a break for the holidays, as well as a way to clear time to plan the BIG MOVE in 2013. for the first time in years, i had my evenings free after my workday. the evenings were my oyster! so what did i do with the time? nothing--in a nutshell. i spent my evenings doing basically nothing. nothing. nada. zip. zero. and it was marvelous. i came to realize that i have never spent evenings doing nothing--at least not that i can remember. i have always been doing something. for most of my life i have been busy pretty much all the time. little did i realize that when i gave myself a break from my internship, i was giving myself a break from busy-ness. i did stuff, mind you: i cooked, i watched movies, i read, i slept. i shopped. i sat. i sang. but the main difference with all of these things compared with all of the usual things that i do is that with these new things, i had to be with myself. it was an existential journey in the best and worst ways.

what i discovered is that a) i liked doing nothing. i liked it A LOT!; and b) i was not sure how i wanted to move forward with my plans. i began to think that i could leave whole foods at the beginning of november (avoiding the holidays!) and take the last two months of the year off, then spend january preparing to move in february. let me tell you, i LOVED this plan! but as excited as i got, i soon realized that there was no way that i would be able to finance this wonderful plan. you see, my goal is to work less once i move to the bay area, not more. if i were to go through with this plan, i would move without much money saved and would have to get a job right away to support myself. in addition, i would be completing my internship for another 6 months, then waiting an additional 6 months to get my hours approved, all the while toiling at who knows what kind of job. i would be back to 14 hour days, with no time to explore my new surroundings, and a rent payment to worry about on top of it.

so i came up with a new and improved plan. i decided that i will finish my hours here in los angeles (i can do this this year), and submit them to the BBS before the end of the year so the approval process can get started. i will then terminate my internship to give me the time to plan the move. i will shoot for moving in mid-2013. i will do a private practice internship in the bay area, even though i won't need the hours, simply because i will then have some clients to move into my practice once i pass the exam and receive my license. additionally, this timeline will give me more time to put money aside--hopefully at least enough to cover one year's rent, and possibly enough to cover my living expenses for a few months while i settle in. better plan!

so this year i am slowly taking back some clients, and in the process giving up more and more of my newly aquired free time. but i would rather work hard here, in a familiar and comfortable environment, than work hard in an unfamiliar environment. i am supported well here in los angeles, so it works for me. and there, folks, is the new plan. i tried to keep it interesting for you.

but the catch is that i am getting antsy. i feel sometimes like i am in a holding pattern--so close to finishing all this work, but not close enough to move to the next phase. but the feeling of a holding pattern is something i am working to dispel; it is an illusion in my head. because, as i always say to my clients, we are NEVER in a holding pattern. we are always moving, it may just not feel like it. but i would be lying to you if i did not tell you that i was in a bit of a pickle, emotionally, for a couple of months.

i am not completely out of the pickle, but at least i am writing again.

***

i will be 50 this year. i would like to think that the date will come and go, and i will just soldier on. but that would not be the truth. because for better or worse, i am enrolled in the same idea of age as we all are, and the age "50" represents something. in today's society, that "something" is becoming more and more fluid, but all the fluid in the world cannot wash away the giant "50" painted on the bottom of the pool! still, i was doing okay with it, until one night, as i was going to bed, i had the clearest thought that i can't be turning 50!!!!! i am not ready! i don't feel it!! i don't look it!! i don't want it!!! wah!!!

and this is the thing. i will be moving up north as a 50 year old man, and by the time i get up there, i will be close to turning 51. do you ever get the feeling that something means something to you, because you feel it does, but you are not sure what it is that it means? that is me right now. i wonder how those of you who are over 50 dealt with turning 50. i am sure everyone is different. i still have a few months to find out how i will deal with it. perhaps i should re-name this blog "leaving my youth". but honestly, i left my youth 15 years ago.

and yet it does not feel like it.

the san francisco chronicles, day four

on the last day of may, i flew into san francisco for a few days of r&r before my stint crewing on the aids lifecycle. i stayed at a b&b in the castro district from tuesday through sunday morning, and i took no netbook with me...instead, i took an old fashioned composition book and a pen. i found myself writing--a lot! this series of posts are my transcriptions of the writing i did in the foggy city. below is the fourth day in the city, friday, right before "orientation day" for the ride, and the week long trip back to los angeles.

it was important for me to visit the east bay during this stay in the city. i had a couple of reasons for this. as you know, i am looking primarily at the east bay as a destination for re-location. i feel that if i am at all close by, i should make an effort to spend some time there. the more i visit the more familiar i get with the area, and the more i get a sense of whether or not it could work for me. fortunately, i had a friend who was willing to not only accompany me, but also to drive us there, so i took advantage of the company and the ride.

we drove into Berkeley, our goal being the cheese board pizza collective. the collective is made up of two storefronts: the cheese shop, and the pizza shop. during my last visit here my friend dave and i came to the cheese board twice, once to gawk, and once to get fresh pastries. we didn't buy and cheese, but if we were going to, this would be the place to do it. the cheese is displayed rather plainly in a case, and is then cut to order. nothing fancy, just a big case full of amazing cheeses. the idea behind the collective is that there is no main owner--the place is run and co-owned by the workers, who, i think, all benefit equally from the sales. in other words, every worker holds a stake in the business. and it shows in the service they provide. the pizza store is similar in concept, except that they just offer one kind of pizza and salad each day. on this day, the selection was incredible: roasted potato, feta, mozzarella, garlic oil, onion, cilantro, chilies, and key limes!
we bought a half pizza (four slices), and i am here to tell you that i have never had anything like it! it was, simply said, fantastic! we did not leave a single bit uneaten. i love the idea of good food being served (and made!) in a context of community.

afterwards, we stopped into philz for coffee. i have not seen these shops outside of san francisco, but let me tell you what i know of them: they serve AMAZING coffee, and they make it fresh, by the cup, to order. i had stopped into another one in the castro that very morning while doing some laundry at the sit and spin. that time, i ordered a cup of the "tantalizing turkish", and for lack of better words, it was like coffee soup! they are that serious about coffee up here. this time i ordered a cup of the "arabic", which is what the clerk suggested. i was no less disappointed.

properly fed and caffeinated, we drove to piedmont ave. in oakland to check out the store of the woman i met on the plane. erica's place. it is called "the rare bird". she was so surprised to see me! and i was glad to be there. the store is fun, and full of unique handmade and vintage clothing and jewelry and knickknacks.
i didn't have to buy anything, but i did--a chain necklace with a bullet casing filled with smoky quartz. there is something rewarding about buying something handmade locally at a friend's store. it is not about spending money there, it is about support. and i love the chain!

that evening i met my friend rolando and a few of the people i know doing the ride at the lookout, a bar near where i am staying. it was lively and crowded, and once again, i was aware of the fact that i "fit" into this environment.

good to know.

***

thoughts on san francisco:

here is the thing about "getting older", at least in the way that i see it. i am not sure, but i do think, that i become less convinced that i am capable of undergoing major change. now let me see if i can explain exactly what i mean. change, as i have discussed in earlier posts, is complicated. first, it is necessary to understand what we have the ability to change. nutshell: attitudes, opinions, perspective, ways of thinking, goals, and the like. then we need to understand what we cannot change, and these things i have listed before. finally, we need to consider what it is in our behavior, relationships, and primarily in our environment that can have an effect on those things we want to, and are able to, change.

i have been in a "different environment" for nearly five days now--not so long. yet it has been long enough for me to have an inkling, just an inkling, of what might be possible for me were my environment change for a longer period of time. and what i can report to you is that in this amount of time, i believe that i have budged, perhaps, and inch. i have budged and inch. i have budged and inch. not much to report, but then in my defense i must say that it has a) only been five days, and; b) the environment change was not drastic. and yet, even given these restrictions, i expected more. how much more? i don't know, just more. at least enough more so that i could feel it.

the san francisco chronicles, day three, part two

this is the second part of my day three post...

today i did alot of walking: down 18th into potrero hill, then up potrero to 24th, then down 24th into the mission district, up mission back to 18th, and back to the castro. my goal was to check out the area my plane buddy erica had suggested to me--potrero hill. not sure if i found the right area though...there was not much of a main street area there. it was somewhat dreary, and there was a big hospital, the that is all i saw, at least until i hit 24th st. on 24th there were tons of shops, primarily latin themed, and i found the area to be very colorful--lots of murals.



i was told later that i was walking through noe hill, but i would have to verify that. it felt like the mission district. i stopped for coffee in a place called "sugarcube", and i wrote a bit while sipping a vietnamese iced coffee. most of the patrons at this coffee shop were on laptops (just like los angeles). i was a bit surprised by that.




once refreshed, i continued on 24th until i hit mission, then i turned onto that street and really got a sampling of the latin flavor of this area. it reminds me of the jewelry district in downtown los angeles--just shops and shops and shops. i decided to have papusas for lunch: three for three dollars! this would be a colorful area to live in for sure--but not inexpensive i'm afraid, at least not for a nice place. i can understand the culture clash between the mission district and the castro, as they bump right up against each other and are so completely different in populations. even with gentrification, the castro is still pretty dfamn gay.

when i turned on 18th and headed back into the castro, i stopped to shop for picnic items at bi-rite, a remarkable local market that, though much smaller, kinda outs whole foods to shame. the selection appears to be all natural, and ALL prepared foods are made in house. their prepack salads looked delicious, and i had a hard time deciding on just two of them. i went with the curry chickpea salad and the quinoa fennel heirloom salad to go with the mini turkey mearloaf i had for a main dish. appetizer was rosemary crackers with triple cream brie, and dessert was chocolate truffle pudding with dark chocolate shavings. ALL amazing and delicious. i liked the feel of this market: small and friendly and local, with knowledgeable and caring staff. it's a place i would want to shop.