why i am different

there are certain aspects of being "me" that frequently make it difficult to get through the day. that is just a fact--one that i have learned to live with, because, let's face it, i don't have many other choices. and yet, have you ever noticed (when it comes to that certain peculiarity that we may, if we are lucky, uncover before anybody else notices it), that while being an extra load to carry, there is also fondness and pleasure to be found in the tingling discomfort? if we are smart, we figure out how to prosper, despite our peculiarity, and often because of it. but this takes more than simple determination. action, as i see it, like consciousness, is a relationship between the brain, the body, and the outside environment. i won't go into the details here, but if you even spend a split second considering one of your actions, you will easily reach the same conclusion.

well, i have spent many years working on the part of the equation that i have the most control over, and if you haven't guessed, that ain't the environment. one of the ways that psychotherapy can work well is in addressing the mind-body relationship. if you have someone who really knows their stuff, and they are willing to use a macro approach to your challenges--taking a bit of it off of you (opening up ownership of "your" problems)--then the role of the environment will also come into the discussion. in my case, i felt for many years that my peculiarities were solely residents within my psyche, and that i was the one variable that needed to change. i tried everything: therapy (of course), meditation, yoga, erotic energy retreats, self-actualization workshops, even the parts that i chose as an actor. and all of these things were effective in helping me learn how to walk in the world.

but it wasn't until my graduate education began that i came to realize how powerful a role our environment plays in our lives.

***

i began my graduate studies in psychology ten years after i arrived in los angeles, or mid-point between when i arrived and when i am planning to leave. before my return to school, i was working in the entertainment and catering businesses, trying to make a career as an actor/dancer/singer (and sometimes doing it!). that career path is what brought me to los angeles from san diego in the first place, but that was not the only reason i came here. in san diego, i was aware of being in a "medium" city--not exactly a small city, and not a large one. there are those who would call san diego a large city, but i am not among them! now, los angeles, that is a large fucking city!! as far as the city population itself (not the county counts), los angeles has nearly four times the amount of residents as san diego. large!!!! it was this very largeness that appealed to this san diego boy...i wanted to live a large life in a large city, not a medium life in a medium city. i have never been "medium". (hint: i have just identified for you one of my peculiarities!)

my time in los angeles (20 years) has been an exercise in noticing how the environment reacts against my mind and body, and vice versa. and that is where my differences come in to play. some of my differences are visible, as in the way i behave or respond, and some of them are not, as in the way i think. before you can understand the role that "los angeles the environment" has had in my life, you should at least know some of the ways in which i am different.

the short list of external differences:
-i don't have a car. i ride a bike exclusively in the city--in traffic.
-i have not had cable t.v. in years.
-i do not have an iphone.
-my phone does not have data service--i use it to make and receive calls, and to send and receive texts. it is usually off, and inside of my backpack. i feel embarrassed to have phone conversations in public.
-at the gym, i do not even have my phone. i do not wear earbuds at the gym.
-i read books. NOT on a kindle, but real books.
-i clean my own apartment, and i cook my own food. i am very good at doing both of these tasks.
-i currently have NO online social profiles other than facebook, which i keep private. i am not on grinder, and probably never will be, because i think too highly of myself.
-i have less than 100 friends on facebook, 20 or so of which are family. i know everybody who i am friends with on facebook, with the exception of three people who live in other countries.
-at nearly 50 years of age, i rock skinny jeans.
-i know how to spell really really well.
-sometimes i am an asshole, and i don't apologize for it, because the people who are receiving my assholeness deserve it...um, most of the time.

the short list of internal differences:
-i am an atheist. i think that belief in god signals a lack of critical thinking skills, or at the very least, an unwillingness to be "comfortable with the chaos". sue me.
-i don't "feel" gay, even though i have been having sex with men for nearly 35 years.
-i think that i am smarter than most of the population(internal), and i let people know it(external).
-i prefer solitude over vacuous company. i would rather do one on one. actually, i prefer solitude.
-i think about death, a lot, which means that i think about life, a lot.
-i create my own meaning in life.
-i don't think about love the way most people do.
-i don't think about sex the way most people do.
-i cherish my long term friendships, and could not imagine my life without them.
-music is my greatest influence.

if you think about this list, i do not sound like an angelino. not...at...all. this city is full of superficial and insecure people who flaunt their cellphone conversations like IMDb resumes. in their quest for meaning and importance, they jump on spiritual trends with an earnestness that borders on pathology; they defend online information as though they actually know how to review studies, when the reality is that the required attention span would elude all but the most dedicated ritalin users. they embrace youth with the desperate yearning of a poet seeking rhymes, without any of the meaning. they relate to their sexuality as a dog relates to a fire hydrant--with limited interest and a detached commitment. they try to love, but hate that they have to try. they have sex, resenting the feeling that they don't know how to love. they define identity by album pictures in facebook profiles, and "friend" others with as much discretion as one might pick lint off a jacket.

this is a lost city, and i detest most of the people who live here(except for the ones
i don't). my "relationship" with the environment here is unhealthy, at best, because the environment--los angeles and the film/television industry--largely creates the angelino described above. i do not want to further become one of them.

as i said, i am different.

settling

i had an interesting observation shared with me the other day. one of my friends, we will call him "j", mentioned to me that he had read my blog, and that it occurred to him that, by deciding to move to san francisco, i might be "settling". he added that he was able to come to this
conclusion based on a feeling that he had that i seemed to be looking for a place to "retire". huh. now, i am the type of person who finds observations about my life and my thoughts to be extremely interesting, possibly because it seems that they happen so rarely. oh, you know how
it goes. if we take a moment to address the lost art of conversation, we could jump hastily to the idea that conversations, as they appear today, have been reduced oftentimes to mere exchanges of our activity calendars.

"hey, what's up?"
"oh, not much, just going to work."
"oh, me too, but afterwards i am meeting sally for a drink."
"well, tell her i said hello. i saw her last week."

and so on. i am bored even writing that, so i can imagine how terrible it is to read! i understand that there are simple pleasant exchanges that do not require depth, but there needs to be a balance--yes? perhaps i am idealistic (i am!), but i think that a conversation should involve an exchange of ideas, and if it is to be considered successful at all, then all parties involved must leave the conversation changed in just the slightest way. i was tempted to use the word "affected", but i don't think that word is specific enough. "changed" implies that we are not who we were at the beginning of the conversation, in other words, we leave each other thinking differently, if only a little bit. let me give you a new example:

"hey, what's up?"
"oh, not much, just going to work."
"it sounds like you are not very excited about going to work!"
"well, i'm not. my boss is being a real jerk, and i am tired all the time because i have not been sleeping well."
"i am sorry to hear that, truly. i didn't realize that you were having such a hard time right now. i remember going through a similar time a couple years ago, and i realized afterward that i was anxious about what was going on in my relationship."
"wow, you don't know what it is like to hear that. sometimes i feel like i am just complaining, that i should be grateful for all that i have and stop whining. sometimes i think that nobody else is this selfish."
"it is not selfish to recognize that you are unhappy. you know what? i am meeting sally after work for a drink--why don't you join us? she would love to see you, and maybe it would cheer you up a bit to get out and be around friends."
"i love that idea. i think i will! i am glad i ran into you. i don't feel quite so alone in all this now. you are a good friend, and i don't say that enough."
"you think i am a good friend? huh. that is nice to hear. i am glad i ran into you as well. let's meet at six, then. i hope you have a better day at work."
"thanks, i look forward to tonight. thanks again."

see what i mean? can you tell the difference between the two examples?

my conversations with j are truly conversations, in that i feel that he is as interested in what i have to say as i am in what he has to say. so when he told me that he felt i was settling, i did not take offense. rather, i felt flattered that he would take such an interest in my motivations. a true conversation had occurred; i came away changed. i can only hope that he was also changed. actually, i am confident that he was. for myself, i was changed in that i began to think about my motivation for deciding on san francisco. i have shared as much in this very blog, so i will not repeat myself here, but i got to thinking about his perception that i seem to want to "retire" there.

***

in deciding to move away from los angeles, i have been clear about the fact that i am through with this city. i have been clear about what i am looking for, and why i think i have a better chance of finding it in the bay area. in starting the blog, i initially thought that i might take ten years or so to decide where i wanted to move--sharing, all the while, my travels, experiences, and perceptions of various cities in the united states, until i decided on the perfect place. but...i realized that i don't want to wait ten years. i don't want to move after i have already established a psychotherapy practice, and i also don't want to move around the time that i approach the age of sixty. i don't want to wait that long! i don't want to go somewhere at the age of sixty and try to establish a new social circle. it will be challenging enough to do when i am fifty!

there were a few other factors hastening my decision. i think it best to stay in california, namely because this is where i intend to get my license, and it is also vital that i be in a climate where i can bike all year round. additionally, i don't want to be toofar away from my los angeles friends, and my family in san diego. but the clincher, and the reason that i have concluded that j's observation is valid and appreciated, yet inaccurate, is the fact that i lovethe bay area. i really really do! i love the cooler weather (i love wearing jackets!), the restaurants, the trees, the coffee, the universities, the bart, the gay scene, the castro, the neighborhoods, the bookstores, the sophistication, the men, the bike paths, and the culture. i am a californian, but i think that i am no longer a southern californian. this is what i think. i think this enough to gamble everything that i have here and get up and move.

now, i need to say the following: i am sure that there are a number of cities that may fulfill my needs as well as san francisco, if not more so. but i remember someone saying this about deciding on being in a relationship: at some point, you have to just choose one. i feel that this applies to my search for a city. i could "date" many cities in my search for the perfect one, but i know that there is no perfect city. at some point, i would have to just choose one. is this settling? well, it depends on how the decision was made. and the same goes for deciding on who to be in a relationship with! my decision is based on a true desire to live in the bay area, and the "wish" to eventually go to berkeley to obtain another masters or two. it is based on the need to be close to my absolute best friend dave o., and to also be in a city that he will probably visit often for work. it is based on the need, as mentioned before, to be in a place where i never have to buy a car, and where i can continue to ride my bicycle year round. it is based on the need to be in a place that is politically active and liberal, and culturally diverse, and certainly "gay". it is based on the idea that i could spend ten years exploring places in this country when the best choice has already signaled itself to me in my body's response when i am there. there is a romantic notion that san francisco is the city where all the lost souls of atlantis eventually gather--i first heard this in tale of the city, and though i don't believe in souls, or atlantis, i like the feeling of this idea.

i do not ever plan to "retire". i have chosen a career where all i have to do, in essence, is sit in a chair, listen, and ask questions. i will get paid a lot of money to do this, so i will not have to work a lot of hours. who would want to retire from that? i love doing therapy. it is my way of connecting meaningfully with people--or at least one very powerful way. i think that j was referring to my recent declaration of a "slowdown" in my social/sexual life, and the thought that i may be "done" with dating. of course, i don't really think that, but it sure feels like it right now. the truth is that i am "done" with dating like i have been doing it in the past few years, and let's leave it at that. and truth be told, i have no idea what is coming next in that area of my life, which is unusual for me. perhaps i will retire from dating, perhaps i will do it differently in san francisco. i suspect the latter. time will tell.

so i have this to say to j: i thank you for your observation, but i do not agree with you. settling, for me, would be to stay in los angeles, where i live in a wonderful rent free two bedroom apartment, where i have friends and career potential, where the weather is certainly agreeable most of the time. settling would mean staying here where it is easy for me. moving north presents HUGE challenges, many of which i am a bit anxious about. there is no settling in the task that i have set before me. but thank you, j, for being interested enough to venture an opinion, for you have prompted me to review my intentions. and for this, i am grateful.

i look forward to our next conversation.

living in the shadow of the castles

i live in the middle of hollywood proper. what that means is that i do not live in west hollywood, east hollywood, or the hollywood hills. i live in the "flats", as they might say in some other part of the country where i have obviously never lived. the apartment building i live in is surrounded by movie production houses: the places where most films are finished. there are even a couple of smaller film studios, like this one:

this place was actually built in 1918, and used by howard hughes to film "wings", but now it is mostly a space for whoever wants to rent a soundstage--it has no affiliation with any of the big studios. of course, about a quarter mile from there is my favorite film studio of all, paramount pictures:

i have been on this lot many times, during the days when i used to do studio deliveries for catering companies. paramount is beautiful because it is closest to the way it was back in the day--very regal and stately, and it really looks the way one would imagine a film studio looking, unlike, say, sony studios, which barely resembles the famous mgm lot that it took over. i used to love going onto the lots--i got to see the insides of every major working studio in los angeles, and of course i used to fantasize that someday i would be arriving there as a film actor. ah well...best that did not happen. i like my life as a regular joe.

finally, i have an emotional connection to the nearby ren-mar studios, for two reasons: it used to be the home of desilu productions, where i love lucy was filmed, and secondly, it houses the front gate that madonna drove through in a scene from her "material girl" video. ha. showing my roots, there.

***

on sunday the 26th of february the 84th annual academy awards were held here in hollywood. on hollywood blvd., even. can ya beat that? yes i can. they were held at the hollywood and highland complex. ha! in other words, the ultimate hollywood experience. the hollywood and highland complex is next door to the mann's chinese theater, one of the most visited and iconic of hollywood movie palaces. basically, during the week of the oscars, the tourists in the area go absolutely bat-shit crazy with excitement. can you imagine travelling thousands of miles to visit hollywood and arriving in time to see them set up the academy awards? at least they are getting their travel dollars worth.

entrance to the stairs the stars will climb to the theater

here in the "flats", i am about one mile from where it all happens. every year, on oscar sunday, i can hear the news helicoptors that hover all day over the site, and occasionally i will see a stretch limo cruising around the neighborhood on its way to who knows what. obviously they are not going to the pavillions to pick up toilet paper, like i am, but then picking up my own toilet paper keeps me "grounded", so who is the winner now, mr. big shot???

this year, i decided to ride my bike into the middle of the commotion to check out the setup. i went on the day before the awards, and i took a few pictures. it was fun, and i was very happy that i did not have to navigate the area in a car, since the cars that were there were not really going anywhere very quickly. there were mostly a lot of crew folks there, busy setting up lights and carting in the large display oscars that would sit on the red carpet. there were no stars hanging out, but then i did not expect to see any. not so sure about the tourists expectations, though.

it was fun to check things out, and i was surprised that the security guards i encountered were nice about how they handled all the lookie-loos. i don't always have good experiences with police and security guards, especially when i am on my bike, as they all mostly look at bike riders as troublemakers. they are right. but still...

anyway, they were okay on this day. in this picture, they had to close off the sidewalk for two minutes while this guy moved an oscar prop across the path to the red carpet. i love this stuff...

i only stayed around long enough to snap a half dozen pictures, and then i got my butt out of there! but i must say that it is amazing to see how they set it all up, after all, the oscars are watched all over the world, and i was able to see it up close!

at work, someone told me that they were offered tickets to the actual ceremony. he couldn't go, but i think he would have liked to. i told him that there was no way that i would ever attend the ceremony unless i was up for an award. the reason? i am a nobody in this town, at least as far as the film industry goes, and attending the oscars as a nobody would be like going to a party that i was not invited to where i didn't know anybody. no fun! and though i have no evidence to back up this next claim, i have a suspicion that were i to attend, i would not be treated very well. because i am a nobody. and in los angeles, if you are a nobody (not important in the film industry), you had better act invisible, or you will be put back into your place (invisibility).

of course, we nobodys don't act invisible, and that is where the trouble starts. often, when i make my presence apparent, i am told to get back in line, or worse, to get out. i am speaking somewhat symbolically here, but not really. and this is where i bring my post back to the theme of this blog--as a bike riding grocery store worker, i am a nobody in los angeles. my masters degree does not matter to the casual observer, because here one is judged on externals: face, body, car, money, house. out of those five i have the first two to some extent. two out of five is not bad, but it is not enough to make me a somebody--in order to be a somebody with just those two out of five you have got to have the face and the body. following me here?

there are those who tell me that people are the same everywhere. i disagree with them. there are those who tell me that whereever you go, there you are. i somewhat disagree with them. what these well-meaning folks are neglecting is the HUGE influence that the environment has on our experience of ourselves, and our experience of the world. consciousness, as i understand it, is not isolated in our brains. it is a 3-way relationship between our brain, our body, and the environment. my environment, the city of los angeles, has begun to affect me in a way that i don't like. in other words, i don't like who i am in los angeles.

it is my fantasy, not entirely unfounded, that in san francisco i will be valued for more than my face, body, car, money, and house. it is my fantasy that i will be valued for my education, and what i will eventually do with it (psychotherapy). it is my fantasy that i will be valued for my writing, and my cooking, and what is in my head, rather than just what is on the outside. it is my feeling that age is less of a stigma in san fransisco than it is here in los angeles.

if it sounds like i want to "break up" with los angeles and "date" san fransisco, then you are right on the money. i was once told that we break up relationships NOT because we fall out of love with our partners, but because we fall out of love with who WE are in the relationship. i love this viewpoint. i have fallen out of love with who i am in this city, and i want to be in a city where i love who i am. i want to be in a city where the castles are universities, not movie studios. in a city like that, i will most likely live within the castle, rather than in the shadow of it.

i will be somebody.

reconnecting

i know you are frustrated, but believe me, your frustration cannot hold a candle to mine! it is just that i have not known where to start, since so many of my plans have changed. even now, as i write, i do not know what the next word will be until it comes through my fingertips. but the funny thing is that, as a writer, i just KNOW the word, and then words, will come. just like they are now. one..and..then..another.

it has been months since my last posts about my trip to san francisco. let me fill in the holes a bit. at the end of september i stopped seeing clients in my psychotherapy internship as a way to give myself a break for the holidays, as well as a way to clear time to plan the BIG MOVE in 2013. for the first time in years, i had my evenings free after my workday. the evenings were my oyster! so what did i do with the time? nothing--in a nutshell. i spent my evenings doing basically nothing. nothing. nada. zip. zero. and it was marvelous. i came to realize that i have never spent evenings doing nothing--at least not that i can remember. i have always been doing something. for most of my life i have been busy pretty much all the time. little did i realize that when i gave myself a break from my internship, i was giving myself a break from busy-ness. i did stuff, mind you: i cooked, i watched movies, i read, i slept. i shopped. i sat. i sang. but the main difference with all of these things compared with all of the usual things that i do is that with these new things, i had to be with myself. it was an existential journey in the best and worst ways.

what i discovered is that a) i liked doing nothing. i liked it A LOT!; and b) i was not sure how i wanted to move forward with my plans. i began to think that i could leave whole foods at the beginning of november (avoiding the holidays!) and take the last two months of the year off, then spend january preparing to move in february. let me tell you, i LOVED this plan! but as excited as i got, i soon realized that there was no way that i would be able to finance this wonderful plan. you see, my goal is to work less once i move to the bay area, not more. if i were to go through with this plan, i would move without much money saved and would have to get a job right away to support myself. in addition, i would be completing my internship for another 6 months, then waiting an additional 6 months to get my hours approved, all the while toiling at who knows what kind of job. i would be back to 14 hour days, with no time to explore my new surroundings, and a rent payment to worry about on top of it.

so i came up with a new and improved plan. i decided that i will finish my hours here in los angeles (i can do this this year), and submit them to the BBS before the end of the year so the approval process can get started. i will then terminate my internship to give me the time to plan the move. i will shoot for moving in mid-2013. i will do a private practice internship in the bay area, even though i won't need the hours, simply because i will then have some clients to move into my practice once i pass the exam and receive my license. additionally, this timeline will give me more time to put money aside--hopefully at least enough to cover one year's rent, and possibly enough to cover my living expenses for a few months while i settle in. better plan!

so this year i am slowly taking back some clients, and in the process giving up more and more of my newly aquired free time. but i would rather work hard here, in a familiar and comfortable environment, than work hard in an unfamiliar environment. i am supported well here in los angeles, so it works for me. and there, folks, is the new plan. i tried to keep it interesting for you.

but the catch is that i am getting antsy. i feel sometimes like i am in a holding pattern--so close to finishing all this work, but not close enough to move to the next phase. but the feeling of a holding pattern is something i am working to dispel; it is an illusion in my head. because, as i always say to my clients, we are NEVER in a holding pattern. we are always moving, it may just not feel like it. but i would be lying to you if i did not tell you that i was in a bit of a pickle, emotionally, for a couple of months.

i am not completely out of the pickle, but at least i am writing again.

***

i will be 50 this year. i would like to think that the date will come and go, and i will just soldier on. but that would not be the truth. because for better or worse, i am enrolled in the same idea of age as we all are, and the age "50" represents something. in today's society, that "something" is becoming more and more fluid, but all the fluid in the world cannot wash away the giant "50" painted on the bottom of the pool! still, i was doing okay with it, until one night, as i was going to bed, i had the clearest thought that i can't be turning 50!!!!! i am not ready! i don't feel it!! i don't look it!! i don't want it!!! wah!!!

and this is the thing. i will be moving up north as a 50 year old man, and by the time i get up there, i will be close to turning 51. do you ever get the feeling that something means something to you, because you feel it does, but you are not sure what it is that it means? that is me right now. i wonder how those of you who are over 50 dealt with turning 50. i am sure everyone is different. i still have a few months to find out how i will deal with it. perhaps i should re-name this blog "leaving my youth". but honestly, i left my youth 15 years ago.

and yet it does not feel like it.

the san francisco chronicles, day four

on the last day of may, i flew into san francisco for a few days of r&r before my stint crewing on the aids lifecycle. i stayed at a b&b in the castro district from tuesday through sunday morning, and i took no netbook with me...instead, i took an old fashioned composition book and a pen. i found myself writing--a lot! this series of posts are my transcriptions of the writing i did in the foggy city. below is the fourth day in the city, friday, right before "orientation day" for the ride, and the week long trip back to los angeles.

it was important for me to visit the east bay during this stay in the city. i had a couple of reasons for this. as you know, i am looking primarily at the east bay as a destination for re-location. i feel that if i am at all close by, i should make an effort to spend some time there. the more i visit the more familiar i get with the area, and the more i get a sense of whether or not it could work for me. fortunately, i had a friend who was willing to not only accompany me, but also to drive us there, so i took advantage of the company and the ride.

we drove into Berkeley, our goal being the cheese board pizza collective. the collective is made up of two storefronts: the cheese shop, and the pizza shop. during my last visit here my friend dave and i came to the cheese board twice, once to gawk, and once to get fresh pastries. we didn't buy and cheese, but if we were going to, this would be the place to do it. the cheese is displayed rather plainly in a case, and is then cut to order. nothing fancy, just a big case full of amazing cheeses. the idea behind the collective is that there is no main owner--the place is run and co-owned by the workers, who, i think, all benefit equally from the sales. in other words, every worker holds a stake in the business. and it shows in the service they provide. the pizza store is similar in concept, except that they just offer one kind of pizza and salad each day. on this day, the selection was incredible: roasted potato, feta, mozzarella, garlic oil, onion, cilantro, chilies, and key limes!
we bought a half pizza (four slices), and i am here to tell you that i have never had anything like it! it was, simply said, fantastic! we did not leave a single bit uneaten. i love the idea of good food being served (and made!) in a context of community.

afterwards, we stopped into philz for coffee. i have not seen these shops outside of san francisco, but let me tell you what i know of them: they serve AMAZING coffee, and they make it fresh, by the cup, to order. i had stopped into another one in the castro that very morning while doing some laundry at the sit and spin. that time, i ordered a cup of the "tantalizing turkish", and for lack of better words, it was like coffee soup! they are that serious about coffee up here. this time i ordered a cup of the "arabic", which is what the clerk suggested. i was no less disappointed.

properly fed and caffeinated, we drove to piedmont ave. in oakland to check out the store of the woman i met on the plane. erica's place. it is called "the rare bird". she was so surprised to see me! and i was glad to be there. the store is fun, and full of unique handmade and vintage clothing and jewelry and knickknacks.
i didn't have to buy anything, but i did--a chain necklace with a bullet casing filled with smoky quartz. there is something rewarding about buying something handmade locally at a friend's store. it is not about spending money there, it is about support. and i love the chain!

that evening i met my friend rolando and a few of the people i know doing the ride at the lookout, a bar near where i am staying. it was lively and crowded, and once again, i was aware of the fact that i "fit" into this environment.

good to know.

***

thoughts on san francisco:

here is the thing about "getting older", at least in the way that i see it. i am not sure, but i do think, that i become less convinced that i am capable of undergoing major change. now let me see if i can explain exactly what i mean. change, as i have discussed in earlier posts, is complicated. first, it is necessary to understand what we have the ability to change. nutshell: attitudes, opinions, perspective, ways of thinking, goals, and the like. then we need to understand what we cannot change, and these things i have listed before. finally, we need to consider what it is in our behavior, relationships, and primarily in our environment that can have an effect on those things we want to, and are able to, change.

i have been in a "different environment" for nearly five days now--not so long. yet it has been long enough for me to have an inkling, just an inkling, of what might be possible for me were my environment change for a longer period of time. and what i can report to you is that in this amount of time, i believe that i have budged, perhaps, and inch. i have budged and inch. i have budged and inch. not much to report, but then in my defense i must say that it has a) only been five days, and; b) the environment change was not drastic. and yet, even given these restrictions, i expected more. how much more? i don't know, just more. at least enough more so that i could feel it.

the san francisco chronicles, day three, part two

this is the second part of my day three post...

today i did alot of walking: down 18th into potrero hill, then up potrero to 24th, then down 24th into the mission district, up mission back to 18th, and back to the castro. my goal was to check out the area my plane buddy erica had suggested to me--potrero hill. not sure if i found the right area though...there was not much of a main street area there. it was somewhat dreary, and there was a big hospital, the that is all i saw, at least until i hit 24th st. on 24th there were tons of shops, primarily latin themed, and i found the area to be very colorful--lots of murals.



i was told later that i was walking through noe hill, but i would have to verify that. it felt like the mission district. i stopped for coffee in a place called "sugarcube", and i wrote a bit while sipping a vietnamese iced coffee. most of the patrons at this coffee shop were on laptops (just like los angeles). i was a bit surprised by that.




once refreshed, i continued on 24th until i hit mission, then i turned onto that street and really got a sampling of the latin flavor of this area. it reminds me of the jewelry district in downtown los angeles--just shops and shops and shops. i decided to have papusas for lunch: three for three dollars! this would be a colorful area to live in for sure--but not inexpensive i'm afraid, at least not for a nice place. i can understand the culture clash between the mission district and the castro, as they bump right up against each other and are so completely different in populations. even with gentrification, the castro is still pretty dfamn gay.

when i turned on 18th and headed back into the castro, i stopped to shop for picnic items at bi-rite, a remarkable local market that, though much smaller, kinda outs whole foods to shame. the selection appears to be all natural, and ALL prepared foods are made in house. their prepack salads looked delicious, and i had a hard time deciding on just two of them. i went with the curry chickpea salad and the quinoa fennel heirloom salad to go with the mini turkey mearloaf i had for a main dish. appetizer was rosemary crackers with triple cream brie, and dessert was chocolate truffle pudding with dark chocolate shavings. ALL amazing and delicious. i liked the feel of this market: small and friendly and local, with knowledgeable and caring staff. it's a place i would want to shop.

the san francisco chronicles, day three, part one

on the last day of may, i flew into san francisco for a few days of r&r before my stint crewing on the aids lifecycle. i stayed at a b&b in the castro district from tuesday through sunday morning, and i took no netbook with me...instead, i took an old fashioned composition book and a pen. i found myself writing--a lot! this series of posts are my transcriptions of the writing i did in the foggy city. below is day three in the city.

sleep is wonderful. i think about how often, as biological creatures, we need something in order to thrive: sleep, water, oxygen, touch, food. i might add "vacation" to that list. oddly though, it is often when on vacation that i don't sleep. or sleep enough. but not last night--the melatonin did its work. this morning at breakfast i met a whole table full of fellow travelers: saulo and phillipe from brazil, marcus from germany, and my friends from wednesday's breakfast, ann and helen from england. saulo and phillipe are beautiful men--makes me want to book a flight to brazil immediately. but that's another story. the amazing thing about this breakfast is that we got to talking about our respective countries: cell phone etiquette, biking, vacations. and as it so often happens when discussing other countries, i found myself wistful for a place where people know how to relate, interact, eat, drink, and love. since i am not planning on moving outside of the country, i have to go where the best of these options may occur relative to how they are displayed in american terms. to that extent, it is my observation that san francisco trumps los angeles in all of those categories. in fact, i will go out on a limb here and state that i don't even think there is a competition. in los angeles, i think people are forgetting how to eat, or at least they soon will. that is because they are systematically removing everything from their food: dairy, gluten, wheat, carbs, calories, meat, oil, salt, flavor. i mean, seriously!! angelinos, IF they drink, are trying to remove the sulfites from their wine. IF they interact, they are removing, as much as possible, the face to face part of that. they have certainly succeeded in removing voice from interaction--in fact, i know some people in los angeles who boast of never answering their phones--they only respond to text or email!

and love? well. hmmm. that;s a tough one. i have been in los angeles for so many years that i don't know if i have enough of a comparative context to address that one. with food and drink, it is fairly easy to compare geographic experiences--all i need to do is go to a couple of restaurants in another city. but with love, not so easy. what i do know is that in los angeles, from what i have seen, people tend to love publicly, conditionally, conveniently, and temporarily. love is treated as something to "check off" a list, like going to the dentist or getting a job, but i don't know if it is on many people's regular maintenance schedules. it has not been on mine for a while, that's for sure. i think that in los angeles, people are trying to remove stuff from love like they are doing with their food and wine, except with love they are removing tension, commitment, time, empathy, and curiosity, and relying on sex to fill the cup to the brim. and it takes a lot of sex to fill that cup.

the san francisco chronicles, day two

on the last day of may, i flew into san francisco for a few days of r&r before my stint crewing on the aids lifecycle. i stayed at a b&b in the castro district from tuesday through sunday morning, and i took no netbook with me...instead, i took an old fashioned composition book and a pen. i found myself writing--a lot! this series of posts are my transcriptions of the writing i did in the foggy city. below is day two in the city.

woke late today because i got to sleep late...frustrating, and not how i preferred to spend my first night and morning in san francisco. but what was i to do now? the day, and the city, was waiting for me. i treated myself to breakfast at the b&b: poached eggs on sauteed kale with shaved parmesan--delicious. then i did what any angelino does first day off when abroad (at least the gay ones)--i went to find a gym. i walked to a 24 hour fitness and did the best i could, given the lack of sleep and the continuing recovery from my cold of last week (how long do those things last, anyway?) it felt good to work out, but i also, at times, felt like throwing up. an odd mix of sensations, to say the least. i felt off, an unusual and unpleasant feeling, especially when in another city on vacation. but then, as asked before, what was i to do? i am fully aware that my mood depended less on how i felt and more on how much time i spent wishing i felt otherwise. feeling otherwise, as it were, would happen in good time, i was sure, and i knew that while i could contribute to its arrival, i could not control its timing. so after my workout, i did the one thing i thought might help: i went back to the inn to take a nap. my b&b: inn on the castro

it helped. so did the pair of shoes i bought on the way back...

***

after my nap, i ended up meeting one of my clinical supervisors, richard, for tea at peet's coffee. he happened to be staying in the castro this same week,. and we both agreed that it would not be unethical to meet for a beverage. we had a wonderful conversation, and we both learned things about each other that we otherwise would never have known, in all probability. i very much enjoyed it. we each had dinner plans, but before we went to our respective plans there was still time to meet his hosts and take a look at their home.
joel and sam own and operate the castro suites, and richard has known them for many years. as a couple, they are approaching fifty years together. unbelievable!! joel is a painter, and sam makes ceramics, and their home is awash in art, color, and collectibles. both of these men, and richard as well, have long histories with san francisco, and the castro, and were able to both revel in, and survive, the time before and during the appearance of aids in the city. it was a different time, to be sure.






this year marks thirty years of aids, and to acknowledge this there is a huge red aids "ribbon" installed on twin peaks hill.
thirty years. that's a hell of a long time. i am old enough to remember what it was like back then, when i was barely an adult and living in san diego. i remember how terrified i was, like everyone else. that terror, and the effect it had on my behavior, is most likely the reason i am alive today. i am grateful for that. i like being alive, even when i feel off.

***

that evening i had dinner at a great restaurant called absinthe,
in the hayes valley area of the city. i was told that the restaurant had been there for years, and on a wednesday night, it was full. fortunately for us (me and my date), we got there early enough to get a table without reservations. dinner was fantastic, as was the company. we ended up getting four different "share plates", which is the most fun, because we each got some of everything we ordered. here are a couple of the dishes we ordered...

and, in homage to my friend dave's way of being in restaurants, we chatted a bit with our table neighbors. as a gay man, i love being able to share a dinner with another man openly amidst straight couples, and feeling as if it were perfectly natural. and it was. the young couple next to us were charming and personable, and responded to me and my date, and the affection we were displaying towards each other, with utter ease. for me, this is infinitely more interesting and satisfying than ensconcing myself in a "gay restaurant" in a "gay neighborhood". perhaps that is because i identify as a human being who is attracted to men, which is subtly yet distinctively different than identifying as a "gay man". discuss.

later that night, after my date, i fell under the spell of the melatonin i took--i wasn't going to screw around with sleeplessness another might, and i dozed off into a deep and refreshing sleep.

the san francisco chronicles, day one, part two

on the last day of may, i flew into san francisco for a few days of r&r before my stint crewing on the aids lifecycle. i stayed at a b&b in the castro district from tuesday through sunday morning, and i took no netbook with me...instead, i took an old fashioned composition book and a pen. i found myself writing--a lot! the next series of posts will be my transcriptions of the writing i did in the foggy city. below is part two of the first day in the city.

once i was settled in my b&b, i decided to take a walk down into the castro and look around before getting something to eat. i loved the idea that i had nowhere i had to be, nothing i had to do, and nobody i had to meet. i rarely get to indulge that type of freedom. the castro is still the castro, and i confess that i did my best to not look like a tourist. i believe i succeeded on some levels. i mean, i am told that i look like a san franciscan, especially with the beard. but i tend to "fit" into wherever i go--i make that effort. i notice what is going on and i adopt some of it into my manner. the reason for this is so that i can more easily become the observer and not the observed.

i ended up going into "harvey's", a popular bar and restaurant on 18th and castro. it is named after harvey milk. i almost left though, because the bartender seemed to be so busy (i sat at the bar) that i was starting to feel nervous myself. you know how it is so hard to relax in a restaurant if it appears that your server is about to drop dead? well, i stayed, and he provided good service, and i had a very good chicken sandwich. the place was really really crowded, and i found out from the woman next to me at the bar that is was "comedy night", and she knew this because she was going to be doing some comedy herself. naturally, we talked about my history with doing stand-up, and then she commented that she was surprised that i ate the huge sandwich they brought me. believe me, i was just as surprised. i did not stay for the comedy night though--it was late and crowded and i wanted to continue to walk around.


i ended up at a bar, 440, and i ordered a beer and sat at the bar to drink it. it was crowded as well (what is it about tuesday nights in the castro?) i wasn't really in the mood to "meet" anyone, but i enjoyed being out in a fun place. the dj was playing a big variety of music, and at one point he shocked everyone by playing leo sayer's "you make me feel like dancing". not what you usually hear in a gay bar in the castro! i could hear some comments around me from guys old enough to remember the song when i was a hit in the 70's. ended up speaking to one guy when he came up to the bar to get a beer. he told me that the dj was his friend. my "look" didn't fool him, he guessed that i was an out-of-towner, but primarily because he didn't recognize me. he was nice, and i was again surprised at finding myself talking to someone. while i didn't feel like jumping into the middle of things, i enjoyed this conversation. his name was marc.

***


as i lay in my bed later that night, strangely unable to get to sleep, i began to think about being here, in san francisco, and being out of los angeles, more specifically. i started thinking about my conversations with erica, and with justin, and with the female comic (did not get her name), and with marc. i began thinking about how, in all of these conversations, i was different than i am in los angeles, but also still very much the same. i can't expect my guardedness to disappear and melt away in one evening, but i think i did warm up a bit. i wondered if that was the limit--if i would ever not feel "odd" engaging in a conversation with a friendly stranger, and i wondered if i would move up here and find out that, in the worst sense, "wherever i go, there i am". i thought a lot about it, in these wee hours of the morning, and i finally drifted off to sleep around 3:30 am, having not reached any conclusion.

the san francisco chronicles, day one, part one

on the last day of may, i flew into san francisco for a few days of r&r before my stint crewing on the aids lifecycle. i stayed at a b&b in the castro district from tuesday through sunday morning, and i took no netbook with me...instead, i took an old fashioned composition book and a pen. i found myself writing--alot! the next series of posts will be my trascriptions of the writing i did in the foggy city.

***

tuesday:
day two of vacation. day one was uneventful, even though it was a holiday. to me, it was just the day i had to finish preparing for my trip. even so, i didn't have to work, and i did make a nice holiday dinner that i shared with my neighbor rolando: baked mango-jalapeno chicken and coleslaw with bacon-parmesan dressing. for dessert, we had chocolate chip brownies with vanilla ice cream. scrumptuous!

anyway, back to day two. i am sitting on a plane, about to depart for san francisco. we were delayed by an hour, so i bought a sandwich and a book in the airport. the sandwich was turkey with cheddar--good--but not worth $8.50! the book is a novel called "the solitude of prime numbers", and it cost $15.00. it is too soon to comment on the worth of the book, but after three chapters, i am already hooked. besides, to me, books are priceless, so i probably am not qualified to assess its worth.

i am sitting next to a nice young woman, and she is friendly and sweet. could be worse. she is with a male friend.

i hope that we do not crash and die. first off, that would be a shitty way to start (and end) a vacation; and secondly, i have not made any provisions for what would happen to all my stuff at home if i were to die suddenly. i would not want either the state or my brother to get my paintings and my books. at some point i will have to make some sort of a living trust so these things are taken care of, but until then, i just hope we do not crash and die.

***

we did not crash and die. we made it safely, albeit one hour late, to san francisco. and to my utter surprise (at myself!), i ended up having a whole conversation with the young woman seated next to me, who by the way is named erica. she was flying with her friend justin, and they had just come back from attending a wedding in mexico. erica owns a store in the oakland area, the rare bird, that sells clothing and art and jewelry, and justin plays guitar for a living, and he does not own a cell phone! (my new hero)

i started chatting with erica because i noticed that she was reading "catcher in the rye", and i was rather shocked. i don't see many people in their twenties reading this book on their own. what impressed my even more is that she told me this was her second time! now can you understand why i broke my own "no talking to people on planes" rule? she told me about her store, and she told me about san francisco, and she suggested that i check out the potrero hill area. i think i will to that--it is not too far from the castro district. before i left the airport, i took a chance and asked if i could snap a photo of my "new friends", and they agreed. i am glad i did, and i hope i get a chance to visit erica's store.

erica and justin, "vogueing" at the baggage claim