tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7178028168770339652.post1505933868484227650..comments2023-05-01T02:51:55.139-07:00Comments on Mental Musings and Meltdowns: The Forever Stop: Giving up DatingTonyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02737992571206851964noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7178028168770339652.post-46802008881356329352020-06-08T00:29:39.025-07:002020-06-08T00:29:39.025-07:00Hey, Tony, I've been on OK Cupid for over two ...Hey, Tony, I've been on OK Cupid for over two years, not one date! Totally soul-destroying. Been meaning to delete, having read your article, I feel I inspired to 'get my life back!' More time to maybe start running as a new hobby, and fingers crossed, I meet someone amazing in the real world! Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7178028168770339652.post-9947487426129477982017-02-19T09:28:28.599-08:002017-02-19T09:28:28.599-08:00I like the statement that soulmates are not found,...I like the statement that soulmates are not found, but made. This is confirmed in the work I do with couples, who often think they have found their soulmates during the limerence period, only to wake up a year later and wonder who it is in bed next to them. That is when the opportunity to really love someone happens. Everyone has a different process. "Giving up" may be appealing to some, who are simply tired and not interested in it anymore; unacceptable to others who value having someone in their life in that way. I don't get to decide which is right for another. I wrote this essay to pushback on the idea that there is something wrong with you if you don't "want" to date or pursue an intimate relationship in any conventional way. Leaving the door open to any possibility requires that one allow for MANY possibilities, yes?Tonyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02737992571206851964noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7178028168770339652.post-22096648739891462132017-02-18T17:37:08.920-08:002017-02-18T17:37:08.920-08:00I met someone special after being single for 9+ ye...I met someone special after being single for 9+ years. I'm now 52 when I met this social someone, he too had been single for over 20+ years(he is 59). I almost gave up finding my soulmate(if there is such). You should not give up, but be content with yourself. Leave the door open for any possibility.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7178028168770339652.post-46831518974537868392017-02-06T15:18:53.030-08:002017-02-06T15:18:53.030-08:00Who decides what is unusual? Your experience is yo...Who decides what is unusual? Your experience is your own...the "norm" only indicates what is "most common", not what is the only acceptable route. If what you have done has worked for you, then that is your route! If not, then you get to try a different route, as I have. Thanks for reading and for your comment. Tonyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02737992571206851964noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7178028168770339652.post-64526122004017551342017-02-05T07:23:30.528-08:002017-02-05T07:23:30.528-08:00I'd say 80 percent of the men I've dated I...I'd say 80 percent of the men I've dated I never had sex or even made out. It was clear to me that there was nothing there and I was just honest about it. I've probably had sex with about 20 men in my life. I've dated over 100 I'm sure, from the age of 20 to 50. I had one real relationship of 9 years from the age of 35 to 44. Am I unusual among gay men?Matthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17423165477736685664noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7178028168770339652.post-44526077897449870292015-10-13T21:32:11.243-07:002015-10-13T21:32:11.243-07:00Thank you!Thank you!Tonyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02737992571206851964noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7178028168770339652.post-15520708269108959392015-07-16T23:58:48.713-07:002015-07-16T23:58:48.713-07:00Nice post!
Nice post!<br />Garnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12467533989658958541noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7178028168770339652.post-44030492765614301862015-06-01T17:44:33.897-07:002015-06-01T17:44:33.897-07:00Thank you. And your discovery has led to mine of y...Thank you. And your discovery has led to mine of you. It is encouraging to know that there are other voices blogging about more than the daily grind. We are lacking in thinkers. Tonyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02737992571206851964noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7178028168770339652.post-49299331793857280052015-06-01T15:56:07.924-07:002015-06-01T15:56:07.924-07:00I've been searching for other voices that spea...I've been searching for other voices that speak to my burgeoning, almost 40 year-old self on gay socio-cultural conflict and resolution, and I am truly grateful that I discovered your blog. I could write for hours about my personal experiences and how they have affected my personal perception of sexual and gender identity, and I occasionally do, albeit somewhat peripherally as I still don't know the power of my convictions, and lack thereof! Cheers. I love reading your words.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14616511626207076147noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7178028168770339652.post-72808599166281558482015-03-20T14:44:49.131-07:002015-03-20T14:44:49.131-07:00Thank you for reading, Danny! I realize it is sham...Thank you for reading, Danny! I realize it is shameless to link to my blog on your page, but I thought you might enjoy my perspective. I don't blame your sticking to romantic notions, I do too, I am just going about them differently, and truth be told, at the age of 52, they have shifted a bit, and that's fine. I am tired of chasing the rainbow. BTW, I LOVE New Girl! Tonyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02737992571206851964noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7178028168770339652.post-46032646076002640872015-03-19T23:36:31.870-07:002015-03-19T23:36:31.870-07:00Bravo, Tony!
Great essay. I appreciate your shar...Bravo, Tony!<br />Great essay. I appreciate your sharing your experience. I'm going to learn the hard way. Even at 47, I haven't done much dating and I still have romantic notions that I might have a delightful experience. It's kind of like why I still watch THE NEW GIRL. Anyway, I'm only on OkCupid right now, but that is mostly for material at this point. Thank you, Tony, for your insight and smart words.Danny in WeHohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16353605624997446562noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7178028168770339652.post-56242611441369931062015-03-03T16:31:38.567-08:002015-03-03T16:31:38.567-08:00I agree with you about Harold and Maude--Harold sh...I agree with you about Harold and Maude--Harold should have let Maude die peacefully, but he was too young to understand or respect her wish. How can anyone that age understand wanting to die of your own hand? <br /><br />You make a great observation about my work with couples, and at the beginning, before I knew more about what I was doing, it did have a negative effect on how I viewed relationships. But now, I actually see EVERYONE as being in an unhealthy relationship to some extent, and the couples who make it into my office as having a strength that the others do not have--willingness to ask for help. That in itself inspires me--when I see two people who clearly love each other but have a hard time actualizing that, well, I grow in compassion for how hard it can be just to love and be loved. I see them as heroes, and their efforts show me exactly why one would put themselves through the difficulty. I am more open to relationship now than when I started seeing couples--I can count on one hand the number of couples who have come in hating each other--those couples DON'T come to therapy! Thanks, Java!Tonyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02737992571206851964noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7178028168770339652.post-90867506786382705292015-03-03T16:22:49.961-08:002015-03-03T16:22:49.961-08:00Harold and Maude is one of my favorite movies. I h...Harold and Maude is one of my favorite movies. I have the DVD, in fact. First watched it over 30 years ago. Now that I'm in my 50s I have a different take on it. I still don't like how it ended, but for different reasons. When I was young, I thought Maude should not have died. Now I think Harold was wrong to try to save her, and she should have been able to stay home and die peacefully. <br /><br />An observation: You do couple therapy (if I understand correctly) so the romantic pairings you are most familiar with are of couples in less than healthy relationships. I don't know, you might have many friends who are happily coupled, but every business day you interact with people in troubled relationships. This would tend to skew your perception of romantic relationships. <br /><br />Which is not to say I disagree with your decision to stop dating. You make many good points. The whole dating scene is designed to fail, what with people trying to be nicer/better/prettier than they are in everyday life. The idea should be to get to know the real person, but doing "Dates" discourages people being real. Javahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17377033663576614925noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7178028168770339652.post-27451950093363129812014-11-30T22:01:56.649-08:002014-11-30T22:01:56.649-08:00No, I was done with it. But in retrospect, done wi...No, I was done with it. But in retrospect, done with it in terms of the way I had been doing it previously.Daniel Fosterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03143170694517681462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7178028168770339652.post-80402842942813968432014-11-30T15:16:55.982-08:002014-11-30T15:16:55.982-08:00Your story, Daniel, inspires for sure. One clarifi...Your story, Daniel, inspires for sure. One clarification I would like though is to know if you were still hoping for love even after swearing off of it. That is where I am on the fence--not sure if I really am done with it or just done with how it is usually done.Tonyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02737992571206851964noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7178028168770339652.post-47014035260317107412014-11-30T14:01:23.877-08:002014-11-30T14:01:23.877-08:00Great post Tony - well thought out and reflects an...Great post Tony - well thought out and reflects an inner perceptive change about how you consider yourself, your standing in the world of love. It feels like an opening into even greater possibility vs what can be a closing down (for some), encircled by that white picket fence. I think, in the end, it's about doing it perhaps differently - and certainly your own way. A few months before I met my partner, I swore off love - and publicly in front of a few friends at lunch. I really meant it. Then I met my partner - and in truth, I (we) formulated love to suit ourselves, not anyone else. As gay men we have so much more latitude in how to formulate relationships - and with a more "village like" feel in some respects. And isn't that one definition of love - openness, vastness, limitless expression? Thanks for your refreshing views!R. Daniel Fosterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01503607474781820376noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7178028168770339652.post-67733754710938972432014-11-29T15:45:32.562-08:002014-11-29T15:45:32.562-08:00#1. Thank you again for your kind compliments on m...#1. Thank you again for your kind compliments on my writing. From you, that means a lot.<br />#2. Go ahead and refer! In fact, you should insist they read this blog. Maybe it will take some of the heat off of you!<br />#3. You might be honored were you to date me, but that would soon turn to bewilderment, I am sure. Unless our dating consisted of solely Scotch tastings. "proper" meals, and naps. <br />#4. I don't believe in "hexing", or anything else that does not have a scientific rationale. However, sometimes by "letting go", one is able to catch something new in one's free hands. If that happens, I am sure I will write about it here on this bloggy thingie. <br /><br />Always happy to see your comments, Michael. Tonyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02737992571206851964noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7178028168770339652.post-83172987423806840112014-11-29T14:37:04.974-08:002014-11-29T14:37:04.974-08:00I have so many comments:
#1 You continue to be one...I have so many comments:<br />#1 You continue to be one of my favorite reads, for you write so well<br />#2 you managed to hit this 'spot on'; I wish I could refer some patients here to read it.<br />#3 I would be honored to date you<br />#4 I wonder if you just hexed yourself; by the end of the year you are going to literally trip over 'him' and start dating and lo! by 2015 you will be lauding the relationship. :-) Ur-spohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04237644452200889946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7178028168770339652.post-57257798300073692892014-11-29T11:49:11.557-08:002014-11-29T11:49:11.557-08:00What a lovely story, Geo! Thank you for slogging t...What a lovely story, Geo! Thank you for slogging through the piece and writing your comment. Glad to have you on board. I agree with your decision to release the cigs and keep the girl. Tonyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02737992571206851964noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7178028168770339652.post-88558577040704397432014-11-29T11:22:55.070-08:002014-11-29T11:22:55.070-08:00Gosh, what a wonderful essay! I don't know too...Gosh, what a wonderful essay! I don't know too much about love, except that it hits at inconvenient times --my impressions are more anecdotal. I remember walking in Golden Gate Park with a friend and we left the levee trail to watch the herd in the buffalo paddock --steep descent, so we held hands. Up on the trail, two old men watched us. One said, "Cigarette in one hand, girl in the other. Got it all...remember cigarettes?" Other old man said,"Cigarettes nothin', remember girls?" That was 45 years ago. I no longer smoke cigarettes but never let go of that girl. Geo.https://www.blogger.com/profile/16221314320558128986noreply@blogger.com